#2211 the (bad) dream

This morning I woke up sobbing after having this dream:

I was in my house, but it was slightly different than my house. On a table, there were many cases of Coca Cola and most of the cases were open and missing a can or two. There were also various flavors of Coke, like fruit punch Coke, which isn't a thing. I turned to MT and showed him the variety of Coke flavors and wondered why there were so many cases of Cokes and where we got them. He said that he would tell me in a few minutes. He was putting all the cans away in a cabinet similar to the one we have, but different.

I went into the living room, again, slightly different from our real living room. There were boxes and bags of stuff that is similar to stuff we have right now in our basement, but again, slightly different. I asked MT about those things and he said, "I told you I would tell you about this stuff in a few minutes. Quit asking me about it." It was a very un-MT like response. Usually he has lots of words and will tell you what you want to know right then.

I sat on the floor in the living room, watching MT and drinking a Coke. A little puppy came over to me, big paws slapping the floor, ears flopping, tail wagging. I reached out to pet the puppy's silky soft fur and realized it was Osi, but slightly different. This puppy was mostly white with brown spots where Osi is mostly brown with with areas. But the puppy was Osi. 

Then a little boy, about four years old, came in and started helping MT move the cans and boxes. The little boy looked over at me and smiled and I realized the boy was T, but slightly different. The boy was a little shorter than T was when he was four and a little chubbier. His facial features were also a little different.

All of a sudden, I realized I was getting a do-over with these slightly different versions of my dog and my son. I was who I am now, but Osi and T were little again and I would have the chance to do things differently through their child and puppyhoods. 

It was as if my dream self was saying that I screwed up and needed to  have a chance to fix what went wrong. Even thinking about it now makes my eyes hot and teary and my throat tighten up. 

And now I'm just crying all over again. I guess I feel guilty and responsible somehow for the fact that Osi has epilepsy and T is not living the life I hoped he would.  I know this is my subconscious and I did the best I could (the best I can) for both of these souls, but this dream really f'd me up today. I had a headache all day that turned into a terrible migraine complete with nausea and double vision.

Brutal.

I don't claim to understand dreams and their meanings. I mean, what was with the Cokes and the boxes of stuff? But it was clear in my dream what was happening with Osi and T. It was nearly verbal somehow.

Anyway, here's hoping for a peaceful, dream-free sleep tonight.