#2726 wellness Wednesday

When I was on vacation, I took a break from the constant news cycle. Yes, I looked at Facebook and Instagram, and I was on Twitter occasionally, but not for very long.  Mostly I went on those platforms to post photos, and maybe to get a snippet of what was happening in the world. The break was a good thing for me, in lots of ways, not the least of which was a reprieve from the constant barrage of news and opinions and rhetoric.

Since coming home, I have been deliberate about what I look at and what I engage in. One day I was sitting in the office, and I realized that I felt happy. I felt present and satisfied with my life. Sadly, it had been awhile since I'd felt those feelings. As I and wont to do, I started thinking about what was driving the good vibes so I could continue riding the wave. I came up with a few things, and one of them was that I wasn't spending so much time with the news. It's not that I am unaware of what is happening, but I haven't taken the time to immerse myself in all of it. I get the gist, file it away, and move on. I'm not saying this is a good thing, but it's good for me right now.

All that being said, there was no way to avoid yesterday's news about the school shooting in Texas. 18 little kids and two teachers were murdered at school. It was just two days before the start of their summer vacation. Remember when you were in fourth grade and how awesome the end of the school year was and how you couldn't wait for summer vacation to start? I bet a bunch of those kids had fun plans with their families. I bet they were looking forward to running through the sprinklers or going to pool on a hot Texas day. Some kids were probably going to visit their grandparents or go camping, maybe even going to Disneyland or something. 

Now their moms and dads are devastated by their loss. Those moms and dads kissed those little kids yesterday morning and sent them to school, and now they will never get to kiss their babies again. I weep for those families. I wonder if there will ever again be a time in our country when these shootings don't happen regularly. 

Did  you know that today is the 145th day of 2022 and that there have been 212 acts of gun violence that have killed or injured more than four people at a time in the United States? 145 days, 212 "mass" shootings. Yes, I realize that many of these shootings are probably gang-related or domestic disputes, but 212 in 145 days? I'd like to think America is better than this, but these numbers are awful. 

I know Americans love their guns. I understand that the vast majority of gun owners in this country would not commit acts of mass violence and that other than the gun thing, they are probably reasonable, cool people. I don't own any guns. I don't think I've ever even held a gun, much less shot one. I don't have any desire whatsoever for any of that. I don't understand the allure of the gun culture. I can't understand why a person would want or need to have multiple safes full of guns, but I personally

know people who do have those things. 

I was watching the news a bit today, and I found myself crying, and I could feel myself at a tipping point of sorts, where if I didn't stop the flow of information, I might not be able to stop crying and I'd find myself in a state of depression. So...in this time of grief, sadness, and outrage, I have to protect myself a little by focusing on the good things around me, even if they are little dumb things that don't mean anything to anyone but me. Gratitude for a glass of wine while I sit on the deck in the back yard, or freshly painted toenails, or a nice cup of coffee in the morning. No, it doesn't take away the pain that I feel, and I'm not trying to minimize the bad news. I'm only trying to get through the best way I can. 

Take care of yourselves the best way you can.

 

#2384 WW Wednesday: I am

On Saturday, I sat in on Oprah's Zoom meeting presented by WW. The topic was Connect and referred to connecting with friends and family during These Trying Times and also connecting with yourself. There were a few things that caught my attention, and one thing in particular has been on my mind since Saturday morning.

The words I AM, and specifically, what follows them. She referred to a conversation she had with Joel Osteen as few years ago in which he said that whatever follows the words I AM comes looking for you. Here's a clip of Osteen talking to Oprah about the concept from March 2016. 

Here's an even earlier clip from October 2012 from Oprah talking about I AM. (Yeah, I'm kind of on an Oprah kick lately.)

It made me think about how many times I have said, "I'm tired," and then I continue to feel tired all day. Or if I say, "I'm hungry," and I can't seem to stop munching on stuff. 

This week when I have caught myself thinking "I am" I have paused to think about what I want to come looking for me. It's been kind of a rough week and I have found myself thinking and feeling some negative thoughts. Anxiety and depression often find me, so I have to be careful with my thoughts. Taking that little pause when I start to think, "Whew! I am..." has been helpful in keeping myself on an even keel this week, for the most part. 

Words you say or even just think to yourself have a lot of meaning and power. Be gentle, joyful and easy with yourselves. We're all going through something, aren't we?

#2344 foodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfoodfood

While talking to my mom and sister the other night, Mom commented that she'd been reading this blog and noted that I write about food a lot. For some reason, the comment bothered me. So, being me, I thought about why it bothered me so much. I think it's because I am sensitive about my weight, and therefore sensitive about food.

For the record, this year I have posted 34 times and tagged "food" or "cooking" six times. Maybe that's a lot.

It doesn't really matter, because as much as I post about food, I actually think about it constantly. Like, all the time. If there's one thing you can't get away from, it's eating. I know that for me, if I don't plan what I will eat and take the time to prepare it, all the weight that I have lost will come back in a flash because I will eat whatever is nearby. If I don't have a food plan, I will find myself with a donut for breakfast, fast food burger and fries for lunch, and take-out pizza for dinner. I know this about myself because I have done it. Living like that put on a lot of pounds until I figured out something had to be done.

My mom says that her mother always said, "Just eat what you want in moderation." How I would love to be a person who could do that, eat in moderation, but I'm not. If I was, then as a child I could have told my grandma that I didn't need six hot dogs or tell my aunt that one donut would be plenty. If I could eat in moderation, I could go to the cookie store and just get one cookie, or stop eating chips when I felt full. Most of the time, I just can't. Or I won't. Because I don't.

Enter Weight Watchers. Now I pay them hundreds of dollars a year to help me figure out what to eat. WW has made eating a bit of a game for me, which I like. They tell me I can have so many points every day, and then I try to figure out how to be satisfied by my meals within those points. I'm on a plan that has a lot of zero point foods. Those foods include chicken, eggs, brown rice, whole wheat pasta, all the veggies, all the fruits, Greek yogurt, steel cut oats, etc. I use my points on things that make those kinds of foods taste good, like cheese, butter or oil, bread, etc.

Yes, it's kind of a hassle. At one point in the late 2000s, I thought I had it under control and I left WW, only to go back about eight months later because the weight was coming back. This time around, the losing has been slow, but it's coming off again finally. I wish I could be a person with enough sense to be able to do it on my own. I know that I am not, and I learned that the hard way.

So yeah, I think about food all the time. I write about it because sometimes that's really all I have to write about and I made a commitment to myself that I would write here every other day. Sometimes my life is pretty dull, but there's always food. I'm probably going to keep writing about it because I like to write. And I like food.

Happy weekend, everyone. Wash your hands.

#2324 musical Monday - Grammy wrap-up

I watched the Grammy awards last night. I've watched them for most of my life. I remember when there were a lot more awards given out, including for gospel and jazz and orchestras. I like how the format has been changed over the years to feature more performances than actual award presentations. It's true that the performances tend to be more pop than just about any other genre, but I'm okay with that.

There were a few performances that stood out for me. First was Gary Clark Jr. I really like him. MT and I have seen him in concert at Red Butte Garden three times, I think, and he has been awesome every time. I thought it tore it up last night with The Roots backing him up on "This Land is Mine". He won three awards, too!

Demi Lovato has such a powerful voice and the performance of her song "Anyone" was intense.

I also enjoyed the performance by Spanish phenom ROSALIA. I love the flamenco sound to the song she did. She looked good too. Very Spanish.

My favorite performance, though, was Camila Cabello. Her song was called "First Man" and she sang it to her dad, who was sitting in the front row. The song was so sweet and the way she looked at her dad, and the way he looked at her, melted my heart. I thought of my dad while I watched them and I just sobbed.

On a side note, I've been thinking a lot lately about the aftermath of my dad's death and how I handled it, I guess. At the time, I thought I was managing pretty well, but when I think back on those first few months, I was a mess. I was in pain and other than my mom and my sister, I didn't really talk to anyone about it. No one asked me how I was doing. I got asked all the time how my mom was doing, but it was very seldom that anyone asked about me. Looking back, I wish I had gone to therapy. Besides my feelings about my dad's passing, T was going through a bunch of shit at that time and I was struggling to deal with all of it. Like I said, at the time, I thought I was okay, but I don't think I was, after all. I more okay now, but sometimes I get overwhelmingly sad and also angry. Maybe I do need to go to therapy after all.

Anyway, if you want to check out Camila's performance, here it is:

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RIP Kobe and Gigi

#2158 Saturday with Sandy

The time has absolutes flown by today. I can't believe it's already 8:00! I've been busy doing different stuff today.

First, although this doesn't really pertain to me right now, I want to mention that MT entered the lottery to have a chance to hike the John Muir Trail this summer. Hiking the JMT has been a long-time dream of MT's, and he finally feels like he is in a place in life where he can afford to take 30 days off to do the hike. I'm not exactly sure when he'll find out if he drew out a permit, but I'll keep you posted. That was the first bit of excitement today.

Saturday is WW weigh-in day for me. I was down a mere 0.2 lbs, but I think that any minus is a good minus when it comes to the scale. One of the ladies in the group achieved a loss of 100 lbs, so we celebrated her. I am happy for her. She is so smiley and cute. The kicker is that she works at one of the best donut shops in the city. I think it makes her all the more impressive.

As happy as I am for her, I feel jealous and underachieving. My feelings caused me to have a serious talk with myself about my future with WW. I'm still processing it. I'll probably have more to say on this subject when I write on Wednesday.

With my wobbly feelings, I headed to Kohls to look for swimsuits. Sheesh! I'm a glutton for punishment, right? I did manage to find a couple of swimsuit tops that I thought looked okay. I also bought a swim skirt. I have tops and bottoms already, but I wanted something new and I couldn't choose between the two tops. I also bought myself a cute cover-up, a couple of moisture-wicking tops for when we go to the temples and some underwear.

I spent a couple of hours at Starbucks doing a little thinking and writing, including jotting down some thoughts about WW. I find it is helpful to be in a neutral location, free of the distractions of home. I popped in my airpods, listened to music and thought about myself for awhile. So much introspection!

This evening I have been paying our bills and making sure all is right in our financial world. Seems to be.

Now I'm going to take some time to do some reading. I made the mistake of going to the library yesterday. I have little self control when it comes to books. Before the trip to the library, I was already actively reading three books. I went to the library just to pick up a book I had on hold that I am planning to read before February 7. It's a short book, so I can probably read it quickly at the end of the month. Unfortunately, I saw a book that I have been wanting to read for almost a year now and I just couldn't pass it up. I have seven, make that six days, to read the book Educated by Tara Westover. Add to that the book I'm reading for the book club, Heavy by Kiese Laymon, which we will be discussing the first 116 pages of  on Tuesda, so I've got some reading to do. The other two books don't have any time frame. One I read before I go to bed because it's on my Kindle and the other is a book I own, so there's no rush. All of the books are good, so I'm excited to read.

I'm looking forward to watching football tomorrow. I'll be rooting for the Saints and the Chiefs, if you are interested.

Hope y'all are having a nice weekend so far! Stay safe and be kind to each other.

#2030 some days are really hard

Tomorrow would have been my dad's 78th birthday.

He would have loved watching the Jazz in the playoffs. We would have talked about how great Donovan Mitchell and Rudy Gobert are.

He would have been pleased to know that T has a full-time job and that he is clean and doing okay.

He would have been so happy that we were all together last weekend. If he was still here, we would be together this weekend for his birthday.

He would have told me (and Lizzie and Mom) that he thinks our weight loss is great.

He would have been interested in Lizzie's plans for her trip to Scotland.

He would have been concerned about Lulu's Cone of Shame and the owie on her foot.

We would have chatted on the phone tonight and I would have called him back tomorrow to wish him a happy birthday.

I miss my dad.

#2010 WW Wednesday: Dan and Harmony

The meeting topic on Saturday was about reducing stress and we spent a little time talking about it, but what really has stayed with me this week were Dan and Harmony.

Dan is Harmony's dad. They come to the Weight Watchers meetings together. On Saturday, both of them achieved a milestone. I honestly don't remember Harmony's milestone, but I do remember that she was so happy and excited and proud of herself. Her face was just a big smile.

I do remember Dan's milestone. Lana, our leader, walked over to him and she was a little misty-eyed. Lana was delighted to give Dan his 100 pound charm. The dude lost 100 pounds!! The look of absolute joy and pride on his face was the most beautiful and profound thing I've seen for awhile. In his typical self-deprecating manner, Dan told us that he was only (only!) half way to his goal weight and he showed us all a photo of himself that was taken 75 lbs ago. Then he showed a shirt he used to wear 100 lbs ago. That shirt darn near wraps around the man now.

Harmony was quietly and joyfully filming the scene when Lana gave Dan is charm and as Dan was telling us all how he has struggled but stayed with it. Harmony was smiling the whole time, even bigger than when she got her milestone charm. It was so easy to see how thrilled she was for her dad.Watching them gave me all the feels. I was leaking tears through Dan's whole talk.

When I got out to my car and I thought about Dan and Harmony, I just totally lost it. Grief found me in my car that morning. Here's the thing: A year or so after I first joined Weight Watchers, my Dad joined Weight Watchers. He told me that he saw how it was working for me and he wanted to lose weight too. Of course he was going to meetings in California and I was going to meetings in Utah, but we would talk about our progress and cheer each other on. I did go to some meetings with my dad and we always told the other members how we supported each other even though we lived in different states.

Then Dad got sick and his illness took off his extra weight and he didn't go to Weight Watchers anymore after that. He still supported me, though.

Seeing Dan and Harmony and their love and happiness for each other was captivating. It just made me miss my dad all over again for the umpteenth time for a reason I hadn't even thought of yet.

It's always gonna be like this, isn't it?