#2139 three things: Shapa, fog and books

It feels like it's been awhile since I had a three things post. I've got three unrelated things tonight. Here we go!

1. Shapa. This afternoon I was looking at the wellness program that we use at my work. It's called Vitality. I actually really like it. When I do healthy stuff, like exercise or meditate or have a mammogram, I earn Vitality points. The points somehow translate into Vitality bucks that I can use to buy stuff from the Vitality store, like Amazon gift cards, Nike and Under Armor gift cards and stuff like that. I'm less than 300 points away from achieving platinum status this year. I'm not sure what that means, but I'm totally stoked about it. My sister-in-law Janet also has Vitality through her workplace. Janet hit platinum today. Exciting!

So I was looking at the website and I noticed they had something that could earn you 800 points called Shapa. I have never heard of this thing before. It's a round scale that works with an app. The thing about it is that it is a scale that does not tell you how much you weigh. What? Instead, it gives you a color that ranges from "you need to try harder" to "you're doing a good job" to "wow! You're amazing!".

I spent a little time reading about this device and wondering if it was something I would like to have. I totally have enough points/bucks to buy one from Vitality. The price includes a 12 month subscription to the app. You really can't have the non-scale and not have the app. If you don't have the app, it's just a round saucer thingee that doesn't tell you anything.

I went on the WW social site on their app to ask if anyone knows about Shapa. I got some likes to my post, but no one has said anything about it.

The reason I think I might like it is because it comes up with little challenges that relate to your health and goals. I have WW to tell me how much I weigh; maybe this toy would keep my motivation up. When we have challenges through Vitality, I get into them. I'm not competitive with other people, but I am into pushing myself.  Anyway, I'm thinking about it. Might be fun.

2. Fog.  This morning when I woke up, I looked out the window expecting to see a bit of snow. Instead, I saw thick, heavy fog. I like fog. Fog reminds me of Christmas in Dixon, CA. My grandparents lived out of town near a creek and it seemed like it was always foggy when we went to their house for Christmas. Fog can be kind of scary because of the limited visibility and the extra moisture it leaves on the roads which can then freeze and get slick, but I still like it. I felt so cozy driving to work in my sweet Subaru with the heat cranked up and the seat warmer on. I was singing some of my favorite songs and driving through the fog. It was great.

3. Books. So far this week I have finished two books. (That's six this month!) I have three more library books sitting there waiting for me: one that I am close to finishing, one that I haven't started, and one that was a seven day loaner that I have two days to finish. I have 308 pages to go. I don't know if I'm going to make it. At the start of the week, I broke down how many pages I would need to read each day to finish by Friday (78 pages a day). I have not read 78 pages a day, obviously. Fortunately it's a pretty good book and I'll give it my best effort. I cannot renew this book. I can pay a late fee of $0.25/day, and I'm willing to do that if I don't finish it and get it back to the library on Saturday. We'll see.

That's all I've got for tonight! I'm going to go read now!

#2053 WW Wednesday (on Thursday): 10 years

6/7/08. It's a catchy date, and one I will always remember because it is the day I joined Weight Watchers. What I remember is that I had been thinking about joining for a month or so, looking at the website and figuring out where the meeting place closest to my house was. It was a Saturday morning just a couple of days after my 42nd birthday and I left early while everyone was still asleep here at home and I drove myself over, paid the fee, got all the booklets and stuff, sat through that first meeting and told myself I was going to lose 100 pounds.

Today is 6/7/18, 10 years since that first meeting. I can't even tell you how many meetings I have attended. I've been through probably half a dozen leaders and a fortunate move by the WW center to a location much closer to my house. I haven't lost 100 lbs, but I did lose 75 lbs and thought I could handle the rest on my own. I couldn't. I gained a bunch of it back, but I had the sense to get back to the program before all of that weight came back on board.

I have been all in, sort of in, and not at all in the game at various times over the years. Now, 10 years later, I am down close to 60 lbs. I still want to lose that 100 lbs. Every ounce that comes off makes me happy. Every week when I weigh in and see a smaller number than the week before, I feel great. When I have a gain, I feel sad, but I don't feel as devastated as I have in the past. I know that I can get back on track. I have learned to be a bit more patient and kind to myself because putting on all that weight took time and taking it off will take even more time. I'm okay that it's coming off slowly because I really want it to be gone forever.

Here are a few photos:

I'm at my heaviest weight in these first two photos.

April 2008

 I look happy in the April photo but that was probably because I'd just had a good meal and a cold beer or two with my family in San Diego.

June 2008

T took this photo of me in Yellowstone Park.

Here I am at my lowest weight:

February 2010

MT took this photo while we were on vacation in Barbados (on the way to Palm Island).

It was probably in 2011 or 2012 that I decided to quit WW. I steadily started gaining weight and realized I needed to get back to the program in probably January 2014.

January 2014

Nothing like a bathroom selfie! I think the look on my face pretty much says it all.

I couldn't find many full-body photos of myself except for this one from April this year:

April 2018

I just celebrated my birthday and took this silly selfie:

June 2018

It's been a journey. It's a lifestyle. I still eat cheeseburgers and sugar cookies, the only difference is that now I try to balance my meals so that I don't feel over-full. I mean, it still happens; I'm human and old habits die hard. Overall I am proud of myself. I am happy to say that I am healthier, stronger and more fit at 52 than I was at 42. There is still effort to be made and pounds to be removed. It's gonna happen.

#1942 make it fit

A few months ago I was chatting with one of the instructors, Lisa, over at my gym. We were talking about exercise and why we do it. I mentioned something about exercising to look good in clothes and about to fit into old clothes I haven't worn for awhile. I remember that she got really excited about my statement and said she wanted to devise a contest around the theme, about being able to fit into an old favorite piece of clothing.

Now she has done it! She calls it the "Make It Fit Challenge." The idea is that you have four months to exercise and eat right and fit back into some piece of clothing. She has photos of people with their non-fitting clothes. The people are just holding their clothing - they are not in the embarrassing position of actually trying to clothes on in the photo that is on display for all to see. (That would be cruel!)  I haven't signed up for the challenge so I don't know all the details.

I have a pair of jeans that I used to wear that I really liked. They were my favorite jeans. I kept them because I used to fit in them and I would like to fit in them again. I pulled them out of storage in January 2016, I think, along with a cute shirt that I used to love. My goal was to be able to wear them by my birthday that year. Didn't happen in 2016. Didn't happen in 2017 either, but I was probably closer in June 2017 than June 2016.

Those jeans and that shirt are still hanging up in my closet. Maybe tomorrow I'll try them on and see how close I am to being able to wear them without squeezing and sucking and hoping a button doesn't pop. It's my own personal little measuring stick; a non-scale victory in the parlance of Weight Watchers.

Updates to follow...

#1870 WW Wednesday: put down your fork

A couple of years ago I remember writing here about a woman I know who needed to have hip replacement surgery or knee surgery, I can't remember which surgery she needed. The woman was quite heavy and because she had so much trouble with her hip\knee, she spent most of her time in a special chair and used a walker to get around. She was upset because the doctor told her the surgery couldn't be done until she lost some weight. She felt like she was caught in a catch-22 situation because she couldn't exercise to lose weight.

I remember thinking at the time that losing weight, especially when one is as heavy as she is, that intake is way more important that activity. In other words, if she was making better food choices and watching portion sizes, she could eventually lose the weight that was required in order to be able to have the surgery.

I know for certain that my thoughts at that time are true because I was unable to exercise during my rehabilitation from knee surgery and I was very careful about what I ate and how much I ate, especially the first month after the surgery. I did lose weight during that time.

In the Weight Watchers meeting on Saturday, the topic was about getting more activity into your life. Some people like to exercise; some people hate to go to the gym. For some people, a day without exercise is unimaginable. For others, getting in activity isn't important to them right now. It seems that as one loses more weight, activity becomes more important to maintaining the weight loss, but at the start of a weight loss journey, what you eat and how much you eat is key.

One of the ladies in the WW group shared that she had gone to the doctor to seek treatment for depression. The doctor asked her if she could pinpoint the cause of her depression. One of the things she mentioned was her weight. She told the doctor that she had tried exercise, but it was uncomfortable and she didn't like how she felt at the gym. She said the doctor looked her right in the eye and said, "You can't outrun your fork."  Kinda brutal, but true.

That fork statement has been in my head all week. I do try to get in some activity every day mostly because it feels so good to do anything and not have pain afterwards. I like the way I feel after a nice walk or go to a spin class. Endorphins are real! However, I know that if I don't have time to get in a little activity, I better make extra sure to put my fork down and pay attention to what I eat.

#1691 weight watcher Wednesday

Here's what I know: sometimes it can be really tough to come up with things to write about. With that in mind, I'm thinking of having a theme for each day of the week that I can use when I don't have a story or some pics to share. I've kind of been moving in that direction for a little while with Simple Pleasure Monday. I've done Travel Tuesday a couple of times. There's Throwback Thursday and Foodie Friday and in the past I've done a Fixer Upper update on Sunday. When I was thinking about what to do on Wednesday, Weight Watchers seemed like a good topic and the timing is good for me. I weigh in and go to the meeting on Saturday, so Wednesday is a good mid-point for me to sort of remember the meeting and reflect on how I think I'm doing this week.

The meeting topic last week might have been about cleaning out your fridge and making it plan friendly, but that's not really what we focused on. One of the things I really like about our current  but temporary leader Gina, is that she starts the meeting like she is chatting with us and then lets the conversation and discussion go where it goes. She always touches on the topic of the week, but a lot of times, people get way more engaged in the discussion and build on things that others say. It creates a very warm and friendly atmosphere. We clap and cry and laugh and it's a pretty great way to start the WW week for me. Generally I don't say very much. I like to listen and try to get inspired.

At the last meeting Gina encouraged us to write down what we took away from the meeting. I had four things:

One of the ladies called the smaller ladies at the pool she goes to "the scrawnies"


Several of the people were trying to re-engage with their WW plan, which is where I am/was
Vita Tops are 4 Smart Points
Gina's outfit was ridiculously cute and how does she wear those high heels?



I know all of these things seem random but it has helped me remember the meeting and by simply remembering the meeting, I remember Weight Watchers and I remember that I want to follow the plan and lose some weight. It's a process.


Lately I have been struggling with motivation. When I very joined WW back in 2008, I was sick of myself and the way I looked and felt. I wanted to be done being the fat chick in the group. My motivation and my measuring stick was that T could not put his arms all the way around my waist when he hugged me (he was 10 and small). I loved losing the inches and the weight and measuring by hugs how close I was to achieving the goal of getting those little arms around me. I set my weight loss goal for 100 pounds. I didn't get there, but I was pretty close; at my lowest weight I was down 81 lbs.


Then I got cocky and thought I could do it myself. I quit paying and attending meetings. I half-heartedly kept at the plan - the eating and the exercising - but the weight crept back on. Then I had that knee joint replacement surgery and the exercising part went away and so did the watching what I ate. I didn't gain back all 80 pounds, but I was heading that way, so I joined WW again a couple of years ago. Since then I've lost about 20 lbs but it has been a rough go. I don't exercise like I did the first time around. I'm not as militant and ferocious about what I eat. T is big now and has long arms that easily wrap around me, so I lost my measuring stick and though I want to lose weight, I lack the necessary motivation, so I've really been thinking a lot about a way to persuade myself that WW is a good idea.


I think I figured it out.


You know I turned 50 on Sunday. I used to think 50 was OLD, but now that I am 50, I don't think that anymore!  I do think old is around the corner and up the road though. I want to be one of those ladies where you look at them and you can't quite figure out how old they are. They look fit and like they have their act together. I want to be active and have a little muscle tone and some trim to my body. I want to walk on my own power and since I have this crappy arthritis, I need to take care of my knees and relieve some of the pressure on them that is due to the weight.


I'm pretty sure that my weight will always be a struggle for me. I have to be conscious of what I eat all the time. I have to tell myself to break a sweat every day, or at least most days. I believe it's worth it though. I think this time around it's less about what I want and more about what I don't want. I don't want to be on medications. I don't want my doctor to look at me and tell me, "You've got to drop some weight." I would much rather hear him say, "Wow! You have lost some weight. Good for you!"


Anyway...this post turned out to be a lot longer and much more like a therapy session than I expected. That's okay. I guess it's been on my mind a lot these past few days and out it came, right here on the screen.


I do feel pretty good about how it's been going this week. I've been conscientious about what I'm eating (even with that rum cake in the fridge!). I've been planning my meals and tracking what I eat. I'm getting in some activity: I went to the gym on Monday for a good cycling session and yesterday I walked all around Red Butte Garden. Today I haven't done anything. I guess I'll call it a rest day. 


Speaking of rest, I need to get better at going to bed much closer to 10 than to 11. I blame day light savings time. It doesn't get dark here until almost 9:30, so if I'm out and about, I lose track of time. Last night it was after 9 when I got home and I was excited about the photos I took and had to download them and then it was 11:30. Brutal to have the sky get light around 5:30 in the morning and my alarm tell me to get up. Summer time. I love it but it wears me out.

#1621 throwback Thursday reality check

I was looking through old pics for something to post today and I came across this photo of T, myself and my aunt Mia from April 2005.

HOLY SHIT! I WAS HUGE!!

I spent several minutes thinking about if I wanted to post this photo here. I obviously decided I would post it. It's important for me to remember and acknowledge that time. I should print this out and carry it around with me. I could pull the photo out and look at it whenever I think that watching what I eat and taking the time to go for a walk or go to the gym is too much trouble.  I could pull the photo out and look at it whenever I feel sad or depressed to remind me how far I have come. I could look at it to remind myself that I can never, ever go back to that version of myself.

And to think that it would take me three more years before I helped myself by joining Weight Watchers.


Damn.

T and Mia look cute and the flowers are pretty.

#1599 well put-together ladies

When I was on vacation in Barcelona with my mom and my sister, we had the chance to do a lot of people-watching. It's one of my favorite things, when I think about it. I like to see the way people dress and behave and react to their experiences.

One thing that Lizzie and I noticed and admired was what we called "well put-together" ladies. There were many Spanish women who looked so effortlessly stylish that I spent most of the two weeks feeling more frumpy than I usually do. From the hair to the makeup to the accessories to the shoes to the clothing itself, I admired the style.

An close-to-home example: my mom has a cousin, Ferran, who has a daughter named Gloria. We met Gloria at her parent's home when we went to lunch there to celebrate Ferran's wife's saint day. (Sometimes people are named after saints and the saints have a day and then that's your saint day, too.) Gloria was wearing a navy blue sweater with sleeves to the elbow and a navy blue skirt with a floral pattern. I don't specifically remember her shoes, but I think they were a low-heeled pump. Her hair and makeup were clean-looking, nothing fancy or overdone. She was wearing a simple pendant on a chain and earrings along with her wedding ring. I specifically remember Lizzie and I looking Gloria and then at each other and saying, "Well put-together Spanish lady."

Another example: Lizzie and I were on the train coming back to Barcelona from Montserrat. A young couple sat in the in the seats across from ours. The woman was wearing a sun dress with a denim jacket and a scarf around her neck. Her hair was just above her shoulder and curly. Her make-up was minimal, probably just some mascara and maybe a bit of lipstick. Her shoes were ballet flats. She was wearing cute dangling earrings. She looked great!

In two weeks, I saw dozens of examples of well-put together ladies. It was inspiring.

Then I came home and although I would like to be a well put-together lady, I find myself lacking.

I looked for more well put together ladies when I was on the cruise. I saw some, but I also saw a lot of women that looked like they were trying really hard and the result was not natural and elegant. Too much makeup, too much jewelry, the clothes didn't fit properly...it's just my opinion of course. The thing is that I'm looking for my own style and looking for what I think works well for others that I might incorporate.

Having style doesn't come naturally to me. I've always dressed more for comfort than for style. I haven't mastered the balance between comfort and style. I wrote earlier in the week about my problem with shoes. It doesn't stop there. I don't really love to shop so I get in a rut. When I do shop, it takes time because you have to try clothes on. Not all clothes are the same sizing. A pair of pants in one shop might be the same size as the pants in another shop, but they don't fit the body the same way at all. It can be so discouraging.

I didn't really make any resolutions for myself this year, but I do have some goals. (I guess goals and resolutions are the same thing, but goals sound better to me.) I aspire to be well put-together. I have a lot of work to do to achieve this goal. I frankly don't know if I will ever achieve it because I am basically pretty lazy. Like today, for example, I could have dressed better. I went to WW to weigh in (up 0.4 lbs GRRR). I wore my usual weigh-in outfit of track pants and a t-shirt. It was cold so I put on an old oversized fleece jacket with a little bit of paint on the wrist. I had an appointment at the hairdresser after the WW meeting. I could have come home to change, but I didn't. I went to get my hair cut (feels and looks a lot better!) then I actually went to the store with my cute hair and my weigh-in clothes. Not a good look! Not put-together! Yes, I was comfortable but I was not putting my best self forward. I was bummed out when I thought about it. I can do better than that. I want to do better than that. I will do better than that.

The whole style thing has been on my mind for awhile and it just seemed like the right time to get it out there. Now that I've said to my seven readers on the world wide interwebs, it's out there and I need to hold myself accountable and reach my goal.

I'll let you know how it's going.

#1595 too busy watching TV to write

Today has zipped by at top speed. I was planning to write about our day in Nassau, but I started watching TV and now I'm about to fall asleep so I'll have to write about Nassau tomorrow.

#853 getting back on track with my weight loss - starting NOW

I want to take a few minutes to write about my on-going struggles with my weight. For the past couple of years, I have been paying Weight Watchers and I have been gaining weight. I haven't had much success with their Points Plus system. I did great the first couple of years with regular Points, but I think I got complacent and felt comfortable with what I was doing and I stopped being good at watching my weight. When I had my surgery in August, all bets were off on watching what I ate. I had cheeseburgers and fries regularly, and I often added a shake. I wasn't doing any physical activity to burn off those calories because I had a leg that was just getting healed up.

Suddenly, my clothes were all tight and my face was round and the number on the scale was climbing, climbing, climbing. My self-esteem went right down the drain, and still I couldn't seem to stop myself from eating a cookie here, or another slice of pizza there. I indulged myself whenever I wanted. I seemed to have forgotten that I actually had something called will-power at one point, and my will-power was pretty strong, now that I think back on it.

It sometimes seems like I am my own biggest saboteur. I weighed in on Saturday, saw a  two and a half pound  gain (that's in two weeks; I didn't weigh in last week because I didn't want to go out in the storm), and promptly went to the Mexican place and got a gigantic breakfast burrito. I damn near ate the whole thing, too. I also ate heartily at Jake's party - pasta and cake. I ate again just hours later when we got all the leftovers back to the house.

I had a whole weekend like that. I actually felt ill when I went to bed last night.

Today I am happy to say that I got a little bit back in control of myself. I planned what I would eat today and I stuck to the plan. I drank a lot of water, I ate healthy food and I even went to spinning class tonight at the gym. That's one day, and I will have to take it all one day at a time, one meal at a time.

I don't want to be one of those people who lose a bunch of weight, then put it back on. I can't have that. These last two years have been a set-back. I haven't gained all the weight back, but I've put on enough to feel bad about myself. I don't like that feeling. I like to feel good about myself. I like to see my body shrink. I like my clothes to be loose and have people say things like, "You need to buy some new pants, saggy butt!" I like to buy smaller size clothes and know they fit and look nice. I like to see my cheekbones. I prefer to have one pointy chin, not three layers of round chins.

All right, I'm done venting for tonight. I'm pretty sure you can expect to hear more about my weight loss adventures because if it's not at the top of my mind all the time, I regress. And then I regret. I want to see a smaller number on that scale this weekend!! 

#520 I broke that board!

This afternoon my work had an off-site meeting for about 150 people. The feature was a motivational speaker. I wasn't very excited about it. Sometimes motivational speakers are motivational for about an hour, then he becomes just a speaker. I tried to keep an open mind, but I admit I wasn't very into it...until he started talking.

The speaker's name was Brian Biro. He is very energetic and entertaining. The whole program was good and I actually enjoyed listening and learning and thinking about what he was saying. But the best part was the end.

Biro challenged us to break through something that we feel is holding us back. It could be work or personal. Then, we would literally break through the barrier which was a board. A 2 x 12 piece of wood, to be exact. On one side of the board we made an X and wrote a word that summed up what was bugging us. On the other side of the board, we wrote a word that would define what breaking through the barrier would feel like, and also listed people that we would break through for.

Then it was time to break the board. I wasn't sure I wanted to try. What if I couldn't break it? I'd feel so dumb. Plus, just about one of the best looking guys at my whole work happened to be the board-holder in my area. The thing is, you don't look at the board. You look at the eyes of the board-holder. He's so good looking I can't hold his gaze! I'm not even kidding. The man is F-I-N-E.

A couple of my friends stepped up and smashed right through their board. I clapped and cheered and high-fived them. The whole room was roaring with noise. There were 17 board-holders and people were cheering and clapping and chanting.

I looked down at my board and saw the word I'd written on the X. STAGNANT. That's how I feel with my weight loss in particular. I looked at the other side. ACHIEVEMENT. That's what I will feel when I break through and succeed. I wrote MT, T and Dad as the people I was "playing" for. I handed gorgeous Kyle my board and assumed the stance. Left leg forward, knee slightly bent. Left arm straight out, facing the board. Right arm drawn back to my shoulder. I looked at Kyle. I looked away, at my board. I saw the X. I looked back at Kyle, and this time I didn't look away. The noise that was all around me faded away. I didn't hear anything. I only saw Kyle. He nodded and with a loud "HA" my right hand flew through the board! I snapped clean in two!

OH MY GOD! It was so amazing!! I couldn't believe I'd done that! I hugged my board and gave high fives to anyone who would high five me back. I jumped up and down. I yelled "I did it! I broke the board!" Everyone cheered and clapped and we kept on breaking boards until everyone in the room who wanted to was done. Then we clapped and cheered some more until I was/am a little hoarse.

Is it wrong that I want to bring the two pieces of my board with me wherever I go? I just don't want to let go of that feeling of empowerment and belief in myself. Coolest motivational-speaker-at-work event EVER!