#2664 habits

I have a bit of a crush on a man called Shankar Vedantam. Shankar is a journalist and the host of a podcast called Hidden Brain. Now, until just a minute ago, I hadn’t actually seen Shankar’s face because I only hear him on the radio and he is dang smart and that’s where my crush comes from. 

The other day, I was going down the road in my car and Hidden Brain came on. MT was in the car with me, so he was talking (of course LOL) over the top of Shankar, but I still managed to get the gist of the subject of the podcast, which was about habits. Shankar was talking to a woman called Wendy who wrote a book about habits and what I could hear was interesting and I wanted to know more about it. But then, a few days passed, and I forgot to go back to listen to the podcast and find out what Wendy’s book was called.

On Tuesday, I was going through my emails, I there was an email from Amazon telling me about cheap books that were available that day only. One of the books was called Good Habits, Bad Habits: The Science of Making Positive Changes that Stick by Wendy Wood. This HAD to be the book and the Wendy that Shankar was talking about! I bought the book (just $2.99 for my Kindle!) and then I listened to the podcast and started reading the book. 

You can listen to the podcast or read the transcript by clicking here.  

Like many people do, especially at the beginning of the new year, I think of things I would like to accomplish during the next 365 days. Some of my goals would actually be a result of habits that I form. I’ve often thought that if only I had the will-power or the consistency to do “things”, I would be successful at achieving my goals. Just a few pages into Wendy’s book makes me think that it is not mere willpower, but persistence and the forming of good habits that makes one successful. 

I knew a woman in WW who lost 100 pounds. I overheard a person say to her, “I wish I had your willpower.” The 100-lb loser said, “No, you wish you had my persistence.” I’ve always thought about that. What does it take to make a person so persistent? There have been times in my life when I felt I was persistent and had developed some good habits around eating and being active, etc., but things happen and I fall back into my old, not-so-great habits. I am excited to read about Wendy’s research and see what can be applied to my own life. 

Actually, I’ve already started to form a couple of new habits. One is that, first thing in the morning, when I feed the dogs, I pour myself a glass of water and I drink it while the dogs eat. My friendly co-worker Robyn suggested the water drinking, and I piggy-backed it onto feeding the dogs so that I would always remember to do it. It’s a good start to the day. Another new habit is that after I take the dogs for a walk after work, I immediately come upstairs to do my shoulder exercises. I have to do them, and by tying them to walking the dogs, it is becoming more automatic, like the glass of water. 

The book says that habits are just natural, like brushing your teeth every morning. It’s not something you even think about. You don’t have to talk yourself into it. That’s a habit. I want to make more good habits and figure out how to break up some habits I don’t like as much, such as plucking a candy from the dish at work just because I walk by the dish, or automatically reaching for a Diet Coke at lunchtime just because I always have a Diet Coke at lunchtime. It seems like the first step in breaking a habit is noticing you are doing it and then stopping yourself from the impulse of it. 

It’s kind of of “no shit” thing, and also kind of fascinating.  Maybe I’ll write more about it as I read through the book.

Thanks, Shankar! 

#2288 Saturday with Sandy

It has been a good day. I'll tell you about it, and I even have a few pics!

I started out, as I do most Saturdays, at WW.  I knew I would hit a big milestone today, one that I have been working toward (again) for awhile. It's not the first time I've done it, but I sincerely hope it is the last time. Today my weight was 50 pounds less than the first day I started at Weight Watchers! I showed the group a photo of me 11 years and 50 pounds ago. This group never saw me when I was at my heaviest weight, and there was a lot of positive reaction, including a few hugs. It was really nice and made me feel good. :)

Next stop was to see my hair stylist Lanna. I've been getting my hair trimmed about every three months. It is down past my shoulders now! Lanna has been doing my hair for well over 15 years. She has seen it all lengths and various shades of red. She's great and I like the way she cuts and styles my hair. She is also superb at washing my hair. The little extra scalp massage is heavenly.

I met MT for lunch at Corner Bakery up on Foothill Blvd., then the two of us went to Red Butte Garden. The holiday boutique was happening there as well as a glass show. We did a bit of Christmas shopping then took a stroll through the garden.

There has been a yucky inversion in the valley for the past week. The air has been kind of thick and crunchy. Up at Red Butte, in the foothills, the sky is blue and the air is more clear. Check this out:

Look at that layer of gunk hovering over the valley. It's not nice,

Here are MT and I with the grey gunk behind us:

The sky right above the garden was pretty though. Check out the semi-frozen pond:

After our stroll, we headed back down into the hazy, foggy valley. I wanted to stop at Target to do some Christmas shopping before I went home. As I was walking away from my car, I heard a guy yell, "Hey!" I kept walking. He wasn't yelling at me. Then I heard it again, more emphatically, "Hey!" I turned my head to see what was going on, and there was my brother-in-law Kelly! He was with his wife Denise, her sister Vickie and Vickie's daughter. Vickie lives in Tooele, a town west of Salt Lake City.

I called MT and told him to swing by Target on the way home so he could see his brother. What are the chances that we would meet up in the parking lot of Target in West Valley like that? It was fun to see them!

After we chatted and I shopped, I was ready to come home. I had steak left over from last night's meal and I was planning to have steak and eggs. That plan changed when I saw the On the Hook fish and chips truck was in the neighborhood! I haven't had food from On the Hook for months. I usually miss it; they only come to the neighborhood once a month and it is not a set date. That steak will be in my fridge tomorrow, but the fish and chip truck won't be in the neighborhood tomorrow, so I had fish and chips. It tasted so good. Totally worth the splurge on WW points. I'm really full now, though.

MT and I watched a movie on HBO,  Long Shot. We've seen it before and enjoyed it. It was just as good the second time through.  Now we are watching the Jazz game. I'm feeling tired and happy and full.

#2285 WW Wednesday team purple

It's been a couple of years since WW changed up the plan a bit, so it was time and that's what they've done. Now the plan is called myWW and members have three options to choose from: high points and fewer 0 point foods, medium points and more 0 point foods, and fewer points and lots of 0 point foods, including potatoes (!), brown rice (!), and whole wheat pasta. The plans have color names: green, blue and purple. I chose the purple plan, the one with the fewest points and the most 0 point foods. I've been doing it for about a week and a half and it's been good. 

I know that WW plan works if I work the plan. It is a day-to-day thing. Planning what I'm going to eat each day and tracking in advance works for me. It's not my natural tendency to choose a salad, so I have to consciously make that choice.  I am a work in progress, as all people are, I suppose.

It is not my intention to obsess about this whole topic. I just thought you might be interested in this little WW change. I like it. I feel re-energized and satisfied.

#2224 WW Wednesday: gut check time again

Lately I have been thinking about all of the leaders/coaches that have come and gone since I joined Weight Watchers over 10 years ago. I can't even remember all of their names, like the little old lady who was the leader when I very first joined. She didn't know my name either. I knew hers at one point, but now I don't. I can't remember who replaced her; maybe it was Marla, a redheaded woman who loved Celtic dance music, like Lord of the Dance type stuff and would often play that music when she had us brainstorm different things. There was Alicia, the free spirit with multiple tattoos who is the first person I ever knew with celiac disease. I'd never heard of gluten before she talked about it. Then there was Gina, who I absolutely loved and still do to this day. Sometimes I hear from her on the WW app and I'm thrilled that she remembers me at all. There have been several short-term substitutes and now there is Lana who I completely love and admire. She makes me feel good about myself and calls me her friend. She's lovely.

I was thinking today that I've been going to WW for a long time, with a break in there for several months, maybe a year (?). One of the reasons I stopped going was that MT had just left his job and money was tight and I was uncomfortable spending the money on WW when I thought I could do it myself. I'd been successful at it. I knew/know what it takes to get the weight off. Plus that was at the time when there was a leader I didn't especially care for or about. She was not inspiring and I don't think she even knew my name.

Long story short, I did not fare well on my own, even with all of my knowledge and experience, and I gained back nearly all of the weight. I joined back up and got a grip before I was right back where I started. I have lost weight and kept it off over the years, but I want to do more losing. In the past few months I have been gaining weight which is just bothersome and annoying and makes me feel like a failure, even though I am doing it to myself. I understand that I will always battle my weight. I have actually had the thought that maybe my body just wants to be here, at the weight it is, but I'm not satisfied with this weight. However, I have a sweet tooth and lack the willpower I had ten years ago, apparently.

Today I found myself thinking again about quitting WW. Not because of the money, or the people or the leader, but because I feel like I am throwing the money away with no end in sight. Weight loss is such a mental game. I see food pics that my fellow members post and I think, "Sheesh! I don't want to eat that!" I hear some of them talk about how much exercise they do and I think, "Holy crap! I don't want to work that hard!"

I'm just feeling extra fluffy right now.

I went to a Zumba class tonight and I felt like my shirt was too tight. The shirt was fine, but I felt uncomfortable, all jiggly and left-footed. More money thoughts about the gym: I only have to go five times a month for the membership to pay for itself, but I have struggled with that commitment. I think mostly because it is summer and I have Garden hours to get and work is busy. I do like the classes at the gym though. There are a bunch of new instructors that are good and whose classes I've enjoyed when I make the time to go.

It feels like every day is a re-commitment to myself and my overall wellness. I need WW and I need the gym and I need positive people who are supportive. I have all of those things. I only need to believe that I can do it (again).

#2196 WW Wednesday

Last Saturday in the WW workshop, we talked about doing a different activity. (Activity is what we call exercise because apparently there are lots of people who hate the word exercise. *rolls eyes*) Lana asked the group what they wanted to do but were scared to try. Skydiving came up a couple of times. One lady said she really wanted to try yoga but was afraid all the people in the class would be looking at her.

I hear that comment so much, that people don't want to go to the gym because they think that other people will be looking at them. Here's the rock-hard, straight-up, solid truth: the people who are at the gym to work out, to exercise, to get in some physical activity, are too wrapped up in their own business to bother looking at you. A person might glance your way if you get on the machine next to the one they are on. They might appear to be looking at you when they are taking a break between sets, but they are probably not really registering you as a person and almost certainly not making a judgement about you.

When I am in a class, I notice that there are other people in the room, but I'm pretty wrapped up in my own insecurities to make any kind of judgement about anyone else. I might think something like, "Wow, that lady is really energetic," or "She is really working hard today! She's feeling it!" but I don't think I have ever thought about the way a person looked, except if they were wearing a cute outfit or had on cool shoes. I believe most people are like me in that they are at the gym to work out and move on with their day.

So I told the want-to-be yoga lady to not worry about others and just go try it. Several other people said the same thing. I hope she goes to a yoga class. I probably won't find out, though, because she's in the 8 AM group and I don't intend to go back to that group unless I really need to.

I thought about what I wanted to do but hadn't done. I came up with a couple of things. One would be water aerobics. I picked up the water classes schedule a few weeks ago, but I haven't found a time that works for me yet. I want to do it though. The second thing I want to do is go to a real spinning studio to take a real spin class.

I take cycling classes at my local fitness center and it's fun and energetic, but I've seen videos of spin classes at studios and it just looks extra. Back in January I looked online for cycling studios in SLC, and I found one that looked promising. I told myself that when I got back from vacation in Thailand that I would go. March went by and I didn't go. April was coming to an end and I hadn't gone.

Last Saturday after WW, I drove to the studio so I would know where it is and to find out a little more about the place. It is called Ride-ologie and it is in Sugarhouse. I met the owner, Alli, and we chatted about what I could expect. She told me about some of the instructors and advised me not to start with Taylor's class.

MT went out of town on Monday night, but I had something I'd already planned to do that night, so I decided to try a class on Tuesday since MT would still be gone. Wouldn't you know that the only time that I could go, at 6:30, was a class taught by Taylor? I almost talked myself out of it, but it was the end of April and I really wanted to complete this goal of mine, so I signed up for the class. By the way, the first class is free!

I showed up a bit early, as instructed, to sign the waiver and set up my bike. I met Taylor, a super-cute and extremely fit young woman who, like Alli and all the other people I'd met there, was extremely energetic and positive and peppy. She walked me through some basic spin things, which I was pretty familiar with from cycling class. People started to fill in the studio and Taylor turned on the music and we started to warm up.

Let me tell you about this studio. It is more like a cave. It's a pretty good-sized room filled with these high-tech spinning machines. They look like a bicycle, but just have a fly-wheel on the front. You adjust the tension on the fly-wheel to make it harder or easier to pedal. The seat and the handlebars are adjustable too, just not when you're riding. You want to make sure you're bike is set up to suit you before the class starts. Alli showed me how to set up the bike, but I felt like my seat was a little low. I like to be up higher since my knees don't bend like other people's knees. Not as much bend, you know.

Now picture this big room filled with 30 bikes that have maybe a foot between them on any side. It's tight. There are no windows. There are fans mounted on the walls. The front wall is a mirror. There's a platform front and center for the instructor and her/his bike. There's a stand next to the bike for an iPad that the instructor uses to control the lights, music and sound level.

I'm a little bit claustrophobic and when the door was shut and the lights went out, my breathing quickened up a little bit. I was kind of glad I was in the front row. I don't think I would like to be in the middle surrounded by people. When the music started, though, and Taylor turned into a spin class drill sargent, I kind of forgot about everything other than trying to follow her instructions and to just keep pedaling. I figured that even if I couldn't keep up (I couldn't) that if I kept pedaling I was still way ahead of where I usually am.

The class was a solid 45 minutes but with the time I spent warming up, about 10 minutes, and another five or so minutes that were spent doing extra squats (WHY?!?!), I clocked about 60 minutes on my fitness device. The calorie burn was pretty phenomenal, too. During the class I could really feel the burn in my legs, but today I am more sore in my arms and core. We did mini pushups on the bike and a bunch of side crunches, plus some light weight work. Do all that shit when you're trying to pedal at a good speed. Your core gets involved very quickly to stabilize. It's kind of awesome.

In the end, I was proud of myself for going to the class and for making it through without stopping, passing out or throwing up, both of which were slight concerns. Not passing out so much, I guess, although I was a little worried about the claustrophobia. I'm gonna go ahead and say I was the largest person in there, but that's okay, because I was doing it! I felt happy and full of endorphins when I was done. That is totally a thing, you know? I was extremely hyper when I was done with the class and full of love and joy for all things.

Will I go back? Yes I will. I'm looking at my schedule next week and I think I'll try to get into Amy's class on Monday evening at 5:45. (Alli mentioned that I should start with Amy.)

Yesterday I wrote that my work is doing a fitness challenge this month and my goal is to get my 10 (or 15) points every day in May. Today I walked two miles around the track at work, and I got in my 10,000 steps - good for 10 points! YAY! So far so good.

I'm thankful that Lana put out that little challenge last Saturday. It was the nudge I needed to try something that I've been wanting to do. It was hard, and I'm glad I pushed myself a little and did it!

#2160 WW Wednesday

WW is big on "knowing your why". Sometimes we are asked to think about why we walked into WW that very first time. I remember that day so vividly;  I was so motivated and into it. I was almost militant about following the plan and losing the weight. And I did lose weight and it was amazing! I loved seeing the number on the scale get smaller every week. I battled through plateaus and I followed the plan and I lost 75 pounds and it was so great!

Then I got cocky and thought I could do it myself. Plus we had a pretty big change in our financial world and I quit going to Weight Watchers.

The weight started coming back on. Yes, I knew what to do. I knew to limit my portions and sweets and eat good food and break a sweat most days, but the old habits came back and so did the pounds.

I decided to get back to Weight Watchers before all the pounds came back. As it was, I was only about 20 pounds away from where I had started originally.

When I went back, I found I wasn't as motivated. I wanted to lose the weight, but I didn't really want to do the work that I had to do, like following the plan, for example. I have lost some of the weight again, but it's been slow and I know that I only have myself  to blame for that.

At the workshop (that's what we call meetings now) last Saturday, we celebrated one of the ladies in the group for losing 100 pounds. She is the second person in that 10 AM workshop group that has reached the 100 lb milestone. She's been on the program for just over one year.

My original goal was 100 pounds. I've been on/off/on this program for 10 years now. I feel like an underachiever.

I am happy for Patty. She looks so happy! She smiles all the time and it's beautiful to see. When Lana asked her how she stayed motivated and focused, Patty said she liked the way she felt as the weight was coming off and it was all just working for her.

WW says that you can't compare your journey with other people's journeys. Everyone is different. We all have different levels of commitment at different times. It just seems that my level of commitment has been very, very low for a very, very long time.

Saturday morning after the meeting I went to my favorite thinking place, Starbucks, got myself a beverage and had a come-to-the-light talk with myself. I thought a lot about my Why, which happened to be the topic of our discussion that day. I have a little book that I write in. It's not my journal; I use this little notebook to jot down thoughts. I ended up jotting down two and a half pages of thoughts about my why on Saturday morning. I questioned whether I should keep going to WW. I questioned what would happen if I recommitted myself to the program. What would it look like? What was I afraid of? It was existential.

When I tried to define my Why, most of what I wrote down was stuff I didn't want, like flabby arms and illnesses caused by carrying extra weight. In the end, after lots and lots of introspection and chatting with a WW coach, my why is so simple and so powerful to me that I can't believe I spent so much time obsessing and analyzing and spinning my wheels.

I want to be a strong, fit, healthy woman.

#2139 three things: Shapa, fog and books

It feels like it's been awhile since I had a three things post. I've got three unrelated things tonight. Here we go!

1. Shapa. This afternoon I was looking at the wellness program that we use at my work. It's called Vitality. I actually really like it. When I do healthy stuff, like exercise or meditate or have a mammogram, I earn Vitality points. The points somehow translate into Vitality bucks that I can use to buy stuff from the Vitality store, like Amazon gift cards, Nike and Under Armor gift cards and stuff like that. I'm less than 300 points away from achieving platinum status this year. I'm not sure what that means, but I'm totally stoked about it. My sister-in-law Janet also has Vitality through her workplace. Janet hit platinum today. Exciting!

So I was looking at the website and I noticed they had something that could earn you 800 points called Shapa. I have never heard of this thing before. It's a round scale that works with an app. The thing about it is that it is a scale that does not tell you how much you weigh. What? Instead, it gives you a color that ranges from "you need to try harder" to "you're doing a good job" to "wow! You're amazing!".

I spent a little time reading about this device and wondering if it was something I would like to have. I totally have enough points/bucks to buy one from Vitality. The price includes a 12 month subscription to the app. You really can't have the non-scale and not have the app. If you don't have the app, it's just a round saucer thingee that doesn't tell you anything.

I went on the WW social site on their app to ask if anyone knows about Shapa. I got some likes to my post, but no one has said anything about it.

The reason I think I might like it is because it comes up with little challenges that relate to your health and goals. I have WW to tell me how much I weigh; maybe this toy would keep my motivation up. When we have challenges through Vitality, I get into them. I'm not competitive with other people, but I am into pushing myself.  Anyway, I'm thinking about it. Might be fun.

2. Fog.  This morning when I woke up, I looked out the window expecting to see a bit of snow. Instead, I saw thick, heavy fog. I like fog. Fog reminds me of Christmas in Dixon, CA. My grandparents lived out of town near a creek and it seemed like it was always foggy when we went to their house for Christmas. Fog can be kind of scary because of the limited visibility and the extra moisture it leaves on the roads which can then freeze and get slick, but I still like it. I felt so cozy driving to work in my sweet Subaru with the heat cranked up and the seat warmer on. I was singing some of my favorite songs and driving through the fog. It was great.

3. Books. So far this week I have finished two books. (That's six this month!) I have three more library books sitting there waiting for me: one that I am close to finishing, one that I haven't started, and one that was a seven day loaner that I have two days to finish. I have 308 pages to go. I don't know if I'm going to make it. At the start of the week, I broke down how many pages I would need to read each day to finish by Friday (78 pages a day). I have not read 78 pages a day, obviously. Fortunately it's a pretty good book and I'll give it my best effort. I cannot renew this book. I can pay a late fee of $0.25/day, and I'm willing to do that if I don't finish it and get it back to the library on Saturday. We'll see.

That's all I've got for tonight! I'm going to go read now!

#2081 WW Wednesday: within sight and still far away

I'm back from my mini-vacation to Southern California. It was pretty fantastic. I ate good food, drank  good beer and spent good time with my mom and my sister. I won't go on about too many details, but spending Tuesday afternoon on Coronado at the Sun Deck at the Hotel del Coronado was a highlight. It was such a beautiful day! There was a great breeze, but the sun was warm so we were comfortable without being sweaty. The beer was cold and those rosemary garlic fries were crazy good. If you ever have a chance to spend a few hours on Coronado, I definitely recommend sitting out on the deck at the hotel and having a drink. Don't pass up those fries, either.

Last Saturday I didn't make it to the WW meeting. We got home late from Sundance and I just wanted to sleep in, so I did. Weighing in didn't seem like a very good idea anyway because I'd had a big eating week with our anniversary dinner on Wednesday. I just couldn't seem to get my food intake right last week and frankly, I haven't been good at it this week either. I'll bite the bullet and make sure to weigh in this Saturday.

It's a little frustrating because I am close to reaching a significant goal, and I'll come within a couple of pounds, then I'll sabotage myself by going a bit wild with my eating and not taking care of what's important. I've given this a lot of thought and it almost seems like I'm subconsciously afraid to reach this milestone goal that can be tantalizingly close and then seems just out of reach. I know I'm gonna get there, but I keep screwing it up by being lazy and falling back into old habits. It's hard to explain, but that's kind of how I feel. I want to reach the goal, but it's kind of scary, too. That makes no sense, does it?

My flight was delayed yesterday, so I didn't get home until just after midnight. I had a hard time falling asleep when I did get to bed, so I only slept just over five hours. I've been dragging today (and not eating well, of course). I did make it to the gym for a lively Zumba class this evening, so I'm really tired now. I think I'll go ahead and get to bed.

Good night!

#2053 WW Wednesday (on Thursday): 10 years

6/7/08. It's a catchy date, and one I will always remember because it is the day I joined Weight Watchers. What I remember is that I had been thinking about joining for a month or so, looking at the website and figuring out where the meeting place closest to my house was. It was a Saturday morning just a couple of days after my 42nd birthday and I left early while everyone was still asleep here at home and I drove myself over, paid the fee, got all the booklets and stuff, sat through that first meeting and told myself I was going to lose 100 pounds.

Today is 6/7/18, 10 years since that first meeting. I can't even tell you how many meetings I have attended. I've been through probably half a dozen leaders and a fortunate move by the WW center to a location much closer to my house. I haven't lost 100 lbs, but I did lose 75 lbs and thought I could handle the rest on my own. I couldn't. I gained a bunch of it back, but I had the sense to get back to the program before all of that weight came back on board.

I have been all in, sort of in, and not at all in the game at various times over the years. Now, 10 years later, I am down close to 60 lbs. I still want to lose that 100 lbs. Every ounce that comes off makes me happy. Every week when I weigh in and see a smaller number than the week before, I feel great. When I have a gain, I feel sad, but I don't feel as devastated as I have in the past. I know that I can get back on track. I have learned to be a bit more patient and kind to myself because putting on all that weight took time and taking it off will take even more time. I'm okay that it's coming off slowly because I really want it to be gone forever.

Here are a few photos:

I'm at my heaviest weight in these first two photos.

April 2008

 I look happy in the April photo but that was probably because I'd just had a good meal and a cold beer or two with my family in San Diego.

June 2008

T took this photo of me in Yellowstone Park.

Here I am at my lowest weight:

February 2010

MT took this photo while we were on vacation in Barbados (on the way to Palm Island).

It was probably in 2011 or 2012 that I decided to quit WW. I steadily started gaining weight and realized I needed to get back to the program in probably January 2014.

January 2014

Nothing like a bathroom selfie! I think the look on my face pretty much says it all.

I couldn't find many full-body photos of myself except for this one from April this year:

April 2018

I just celebrated my birthday and took this silly selfie:

June 2018

It's been a journey. It's a lifestyle. I still eat cheeseburgers and sugar cookies, the only difference is that now I try to balance my meals so that I don't feel over-full. I mean, it still happens; I'm human and old habits die hard. Overall I am proud of myself. I am happy to say that I am healthier, stronger and more fit at 52 than I was at 42. There is still effort to be made and pounds to be removed. It's gonna happen.

#2000 obsession

What?!? 2,000 posts! Wow.

*trying to lose weight

Last night I was talking to my mom and she said, "You seem to be a bit obsessed about your weight." She's probably right. I think what I'm really obsessed with is food. I think about food all the time. All. The. Time. When I wake up I think about breakfast. I finish breakfast and I'm thinking about lunch. I think about dinner all afternoon. At the end of the day, I think about what I'll eat the next day. If there is food in the office, I always look at it. Sometimes I can walk away, sometimes I can't. Sometimes I'll eat what I find even if I'm not hungry; I'll eat it because it's there. I basically have no chill when it comes to food.

I have been overweight most of my life. When I was a kid, I spent the summers with my grandparents in California and my grandma and my aunt loved me with food. If I wanted a hot dog, they gave me three, which I ate. Cookies, pies, cakes, donuts...all I had to do was ask. I didn't learn moderation or abide by the food pyramid.

Poor eating habits continued through high school and college. I didn't eat salads until I was in my 30s. I still don't eat many fruits or vegetables. I never developed a taste for them, although I eat way more fruits and veggies now than I ever have, and that's not saying much. On the other hand, about the only dessert I don't like is custard.

So because I have this obsession with food, I have become hyper-aware of my weight. Back in 2008, I was at my heaviest and I finally made the decision to join Weight Watchers. I've dropped 50 pounds and even though some came back, I got rid of it again, and I don't want it back. I'm still over 200 lbs, but "Onederland" (being in the 100s instead of the 200s) is in my sights and it is my most cherished goal at this time.

Please forgive me if I talk about food and my weight often. I'm gonna keep doing it.

#1999 WW Wednesday: not perfect

I usually write about Weight Watchers on Wednesday nights. It helps me stay on track when I think about the meeting. The topic of the meeting on Saturday was about eating at restaurants. Everyone shared their tips and tricks for eating out, like checking out a restaurants menu online before you go so you can make a good choice. If the restaurant isn't online, finding a food similar to what you had in the tracker and using the highest point value if in doubt. I didn't have any "aha" moments from this meeting. I didn't hear anything that I hadn't heard before.

Going to the meetings is good for me. I enjoy hearing about what is working for other people. I also like to hear when people talk about when they don't do as well. Everyone is supportive and both of the groups that meet on Saturdays are fun. Whether I go to the 8:00 or 10:00 meeting depends on whether I go to the gym or if I have other stuff going on that day.

This week hasn't been going very well, WW-wise. What I mean is that I haven't been doing a good job of planning and tracking, so I haven't been making very good food choices. On Monday I was in a day-long meeting for work and today is Valentine's Day and we had our famous "Dip Day" to celebrate at work. On Monday I stayed away from all the snacks and stuck with protein at lunch, but today I got right after the dips. (Delicious, by the way.)

My goal for this week is to maintain my weight from last Saturday. I went to the gym on Monday and Tuesday, and I'll go tomorrow night also. I've got a couple of days to pull it together and make good choices, so I think I'll be all right. Some weeks everything goes great and other weeks are life doing its thing and you just go with the flow.  It's all good.

Progress, not perfection is the motto.

I do have a medium-range goal that I'll share: I would like to lose ten lbs by June 1. I'll keep you posted on my progress.

#1974 WW Wednesday: the next thing

It sounds like Weight Watchers is going to be unveiling the latest tweak to their plan in a couple of weeks. I'm curious to see what it will be. I got an email from them with this tease:

More freedom to eat delicious, satisfying foods

More flexibility for the days when you need it most

Less counting and more living

I don't know if they are rolling it out this weekend or next weekend.

I haven't been as successful with the Smart Points program as I was with the Points Plus program, but that's not WW's fault. When I first started I was downright militant about watching what I ate and tracking and really following the plan step-by-step. This time around I have been more lackadaisical about the whole thing. I have lost weight, but not at the clip I did before.

An important aspect, to my mind, is that I am more mindful about what I eat. When I eat a cookie, for example, I know that I am eating delicious, Smart Point expensive and empty calories. I write it down and move on and try to stop at one cookie. If I'm gonna eat a cookie, it's gonna be a good one that is worth the Smart Points.

One thing I do like about WW is that they always seem to be working on refining their plan and making it better. I like the wellness aspect that has been added. Counting points and tracking and being mindful of your food intake is still the top priority, but WW has added a lot of meeting topics about being kind to yourself and taking care of yourself mentally as well as physically. Being overweight is tough and there is a stigma attached to it. I think it's important to accept yourself for who you are now and work toward becoming a better, healthier you through weight loss and activity.

I used to beat myself up for being fat. I'd look in the mirror and be disgusted with myself. Those negative thoughts put me in a bad place and I would often turn to food to soothe myself, I guess. Talk about self-sabotage! Now when I look in the mirror, I don't often say, "Damn girl! Looking good!" I will tell myself that I'm doing a good job and to do better today or stay the course and it will all work out. I think I have cut down on the self-criticism and that is a good thing.

Anyway, I'm looking forward to the next WW tweak.

A quick follow-up to yesterday's post: I'm feeling less anxious and worried tonight. The drama isn't over, not by a long shot, but I feel a little better prepared to deal with it.

Moving on...

#1942 make it fit

A few months ago I was chatting with one of the instructors, Lisa, over at my gym. We were talking about exercise and why we do it. I mentioned something about exercising to look good in clothes and about to fit into old clothes I haven't worn for awhile. I remember that she got really excited about my statement and said she wanted to devise a contest around the theme, about being able to fit into an old favorite piece of clothing.

Now she has done it! She calls it the "Make It Fit Challenge." The idea is that you have four months to exercise and eat right and fit back into some piece of clothing. She has photos of people with their non-fitting clothes. The people are just holding their clothing - they are not in the embarrassing position of actually trying to clothes on in the photo that is on display for all to see. (That would be cruel!)  I haven't signed up for the challenge so I don't know all the details.

I have a pair of jeans that I used to wear that I really liked. They were my favorite jeans. I kept them because I used to fit in them and I would like to fit in them again. I pulled them out of storage in January 2016, I think, along with a cute shirt that I used to love. My goal was to be able to wear them by my birthday that year. Didn't happen in 2016. Didn't happen in 2017 either, but I was probably closer in June 2017 than June 2016.

Those jeans and that shirt are still hanging up in my closet. Maybe tomorrow I'll try them on and see how close I am to being able to wear them without squeezing and sucking and hoping a button doesn't pop. It's my own personal little measuring stick; a non-scale victory in the parlance of Weight Watchers.

Updates to follow...

#1914 WW Wednesday: stand up to stigma

The topic of the Weight Watcher meeting last Saturday was a tough one. I don't remember ever hearing this particular discussion before. On the cover of the weekly mini-mag was a lady in exercise clothes: a hoodie sweatshirt, a t-shirt and yoga pants. She is not a size 2. She's standing with her feet spread wide apart and her hands on her hips. She has earbuds in and her music device (iPhone or iPod or similar) strapped around her arm. The look on her face is determined, not smiling, not frowning, but not neutral either. In big letters are the words

Stand Up to STIGMA

Shift your thinking to overcome weight-related negativity.

We started about talking about the definition of the word "stigma". I think we all knew the word but maybe not the exact definition, and we all agreed it was a negative word. The definition of stigma from Merriam-Webster dictionary is: 

a set of negative and often unfair beliefs that a society or group of people have about something.

Without a doubt that there is a stigma attached to being overweight. Many of the ladies in the WW group shared stories that had affected them. One lady told us that she has two Masters degrees and considers herself to be strong and intelligent. She was applying for a job that she was completely qualified for. The interviewer told her that he didn't think she had the "energy" needed to do the job. He made that judgement based on what she looked like rather than her capabilities. Our leader, Lovely Lana, told a story about when she was in sixth grade. Some of the girls in her class called her "Pillsbury Doughboy". It is hard to imagine that happening because Lana is a petite little lady. I wouldn't even believe she had gone through WW, but I know she has because she is a leader and they have to reach goal and go through maintenance and get lifetime status. Other ladies talked about how they would order dessert and the servers would roll their eyes or how they felt embarrassed by asking for a seatbelt extender on an airplane. 

I didn't share this story in the meeting, but I remember vividly an experience I had at work. Someone had brought in a big bowl of homemade salsa and some chips. I was going to get some and a guy said, "Everybody better hurry and get some because here comes Sandy," implying that since I was the fat girl, I would eat all the chips and salsa. I remember that I looked at the guy and said, "Did you really just say that? You're an asshole." I ended up not having any chips and salsa and I went back to my desk and didn't talk the rest of the day. My feelings were really hurt and thinking about it even now makes me a little choked up and happened almost 20 years ago. It was just words, but words can be so powerful. I thought that guy was my friend and his words made me feel like a bag of crap. 

The sad thing is that most of us feel like we deserve to be made to feel inferior because of our size or our weight. Our discussion in the meeting focused on how to overcome feeling bad and changing our thoughts. It's hard, especially when you have felt bad about your weight for a really long time. I am constantly battling myself. Even though I know I'm dope AF, sometimes I'll look in the mirror and all I see is a chubby girl. Quickly I tell myself that I may be a chubby girl, but I'm working on changing and getting healthy. I don't think I'll ever be skinny, but I can surely get more healthy and I will always be awesome.

The bottom line is that when people are mean and rude, you have to shake it off and remember that your size doesn't determine whether you are a good or valuable person. You are good and valuable. You are freaking awesome. For every mean person that tries to make you feel unworthy, remember that there are people who love you and who think you are beautiful and amazing and who support your desire to change and become your best self. 

Whoa...this is a heavy topic! It ended up kind of being a pep talk for myself. My mom thinks I worry too much about my weight and maybe I do, but it's not the only thing I worry about! LOL I am hyper-aware of my size and weight though, I guess. If I don't think about it and take care of it, who will? I've been heavy for most of my life and I'm glad that I finally found it within myself to take better care of my health and that means losing weight and trying to get a little muscle tone and learning how to eat better. It's a lifetime challenge. :)

#1899 WW Wednesday: awe, awww and ahhh

This post isn't so much about weight loss lessons learned. It's more about the difference between words.

In the Weight Watchers meeting on Saturday, the topic was about getting outside and experiencing "awe". It was about seeing things with new eyes, for example, if you take the same walk frequently, trying to notice something new that inspires and awes you.

We have a new leader and she's called Lana. She has been around for four or five weeks. She seems nice and sweet. She's very cute and I think she has an interesting side to her but she has been pretty conservative as she gets to know the group. Our last leader, Fabulous Gina, was very secure and let her freak flag fly. I loved her. I don't ever see Lana being quite as silly as Gina, but I'm hopeful there's some silly in there.

Here's an example of why I love Gina. She told us a story about taking care of her parent's house while they were away on vacation. Right before the parents were due to come back, Gina went over to the house to clean and spiff up the house for their arrival. In addition, she decided to replace pictures of one of her brothers with pictures of the actor Steve Buscemi.

I don't know if this is the photo she used, but if you were thinking, "Who is Steve Buscemi?" now you know.

She didn't replace all of her brothers pics with Steve, just some and she said it made her laugh so hard every time she did it. I was thinking, "Who does that?" and "Oh hell, that's funny!"

Anyway...

So Lana asks the group what we think of when she says the word "awe". This is not a new concept. It was right there on the cover of the weekly mini-mag we get, but there were still people who said, "I think of nurses - say ahhh" or "I think of puppies - awww." One guy finally said that when he stood at the rim of the Grand Canyon, he felt awe.

Sheesh! Come on people!

Bless sweet Lana. She was so kind and tried to work with the craziness and steer the discussion back on track. I wonder what she was thinking of the group after the meeting. I was thinking, "Holy hell."

In other news, last week I gained a whopping 2.5 lbs. Why? I'll tell you. I went to the gym four times AND started taking a strength training class. My muscles were so sore that I know they were holding onto water as they tried to figure out what the hell I was doing to them. I felt good about going to the gym, but I was certainly disheartened by the big number. GRRR. Hopefully the body will get back into line this week. I've only been to the gym twice this week (cycling and Zumba) and tomorrow I'll go back to the strength training class. It's a process. I know I'm doing the right thing and the results will come. Gotta stay with the plan!

#1878 WW Wednesday: I'm not there yet

Around the first part of May or maybe late April I declared my goal of reaching a weight of 199.9 by my birthday. Well, unsurprisingly, I did not reach this goal. Yet. Just because I didn't reach the goal by a certain arbitrary day doesn't mean I am going to give up on the goal. I really just have to settle down and work on my plan and do the right thing.

The reason I say that not reaching the goal was unsurprising is that the weekend in Savannah was totally without boundaries when it came to food and drinks. I wrote a few weeks ago about how what you eat makes way more difference than how much you exercise (if you have a lot of weight to lose). While we were in Savannah, Lizzie and I walked everywhere, racking up eight to nine miles a day on our feet. I ate and drank whatever I wanted and mostly I want non-healthy type foods. I wasn't looking at portions and I wasn't looking for lower calorie options, and I put on a couple pounds while we were there. It was all worth it and I wouldn't change a thing about the trip.

But, sadly, I'm not on vacation anymore and my birthday has come and gone and it's time to get serious about getting to Onederland. It's on my dream list and it's gonna happen and once I get to Onederland, I won't be going north on the scale ever again.

#1870 WW Wednesday: put down your fork

A couple of years ago I remember writing here about a woman I know who needed to have hip replacement surgery or knee surgery, I can't remember which surgery she needed. The woman was quite heavy and because she had so much trouble with her hip\knee, she spent most of her time in a special chair and used a walker to get around. She was upset because the doctor told her the surgery couldn't be done until she lost some weight. She felt like she was caught in a catch-22 situation because she couldn't exercise to lose weight.

I remember thinking at the time that losing weight, especially when one is as heavy as she is, that intake is way more important that activity. In other words, if she was making better food choices and watching portion sizes, she could eventually lose the weight that was required in order to be able to have the surgery.

I know for certain that my thoughts at that time are true because I was unable to exercise during my rehabilitation from knee surgery and I was very careful about what I ate and how much I ate, especially the first month after the surgery. I did lose weight during that time.

In the Weight Watchers meeting on Saturday, the topic was about getting more activity into your life. Some people like to exercise; some people hate to go to the gym. For some people, a day without exercise is unimaginable. For others, getting in activity isn't important to them right now. It seems that as one loses more weight, activity becomes more important to maintaining the weight loss, but at the start of a weight loss journey, what you eat and how much you eat is key.

One of the ladies in the WW group shared that she had gone to the doctor to seek treatment for depression. The doctor asked her if she could pinpoint the cause of her depression. One of the things she mentioned was her weight. She told the doctor that she had tried exercise, but it was uncomfortable and she didn't like how she felt at the gym. She said the doctor looked her right in the eye and said, "You can't outrun your fork."  Kinda brutal, but true.

That fork statement has been in my head all week. I do try to get in some activity every day mostly because it feels so good to do anything and not have pain afterwards. I like the way I feel after a nice walk or go to a spin class. Endorphins are real! However, I know that if I don't have time to get in a little activity, I better make extra sure to put my fork down and pay attention to what I eat.

#1860 three things: Jazz, goals, and looking forward

I've got three things on my mind tonight!

1. Jazz win! I wrote on Friday that I was watching Game 6 of the Utah Jazz/LA Clippers playoff game. Sadly, the Jazz lost on Friday night, which meant that the series came down to Game 7 today in Los Angeles. MT predicted that the Jazz would lose on Friday and win on Sunday. I thought if the Jazz lost on Friday they would lose in LA. For once, I am happy that MT was right! :) The Jazz did in fact win this afternoon, eliminating the Clippers and moving on to the Western Conference semifinals against the Golden State Warriors.

The Warriors are a far better team than the Clippers and the Jazz honestly. They have been to the Finals two years in row, winning it all the first time and losing to the Cavaliers last year. They are GOOD. Steph Curry and Kevin Durant are amazing and they have a bunch of other guys like Klay Thompson and Draymond Green who are damn good too. It's gonna be a hard series for the Jazz, but I'll be watching and cheering for them every game. Series starts on Tuesday.

2. I have a goal! Back a few years ago when I was thinner, I had a pair of Levis jeans that I really liked. They were my favorite pair of jeans. They were the jeans that fit just right. I liked the wash, the style, the fit; everything about them was good. When I gained weight, I didn't get rid of those jeans. I vowed I would wear them again one day. Last year I pulled them out of storage and hung them on a hanger and told myself I would wear them on my 50th birthday. That did not happen. However, I think there is a real possibility that I may be able to wear them on my 51st birthday! I tried them on the other day. I could get them on and buttoned and zipped, but I don't think the seams would be able to withstand a lot of sitting and standing up. They were TIGHT, but I could see myself in them in the not too distant future.

My birthday is a month away, five weigh-ins away. In addition to the goal of wearing those size 14 Levis, I also have set a goal to be in "Onederland" - out of the 200s on the scale. I don't care if it's 199.9 on June 3. That will be success. I need to average just under two lbs lost/week which is a tall order, but I think if I stick to the WW plan, drink my water and exercise, it's doable. The most important thing will be to watch what I eat. That might get a little tricky with a trip to Savannah, GA coming up next month. I know I'll be walking a lot during that time at least. Wish me luck!

3. Hello May! April seemed like such a long month to me. It's probably because I am so looking forward to the trip to Savannah with my sister Lizzie. I bet these first two weeks of May fly by, then Lizzie will be here on the 15th and we leave on the 17th. I've been reading about Savannah and thinking about things to see and do. We'll be there Thursday - Monday. I think we may drive up to Charleston, SC one day and maybe out to Tybee Island another day, then exploring Savannah the rest of the time. So excited!

#1858 WW Wednesday - what was it about?

There is a reason why I like to think about last Saturday's Weight Watcher meeting on Wednesday. I'm halfway through the week and thinking back on the meeting topic, thinking about what I heard, reading over notes I wrote down, reflecting on my weight loss or gain helps keep me in the game.

Then there are times like today that I can't for the life of me remember what we talked about in the meeting AT ALL. I remember that Bob was our leader last. He's a very nice man who is soft spoken yet passionate about WW. He's an older fella who taught me about the dog food diet to which he proudly subscribes. The dog food diet is where you eat the same thing for your meals every day, you know, like your dog does. Clearly you don't eat dog food, but there's not much variety with this plan. On the other hand, you know exactly what the points are in your food and you always stay within your range. Bob says he always has the same breakfast and lunch, then varies his evening meals. It works well for him.

The dog food diet was NOT our topic though.

What I mostly remember about last week's meeting was that I walked there. It's about two miles from my house to the center. I put my ear buds in, turned on the Hamilton Mix Tape, and strolled on over. It was a nice morning and I felt good. No pain when I got there, either. I sat down next to a woman I don't usually sit by. I asked her to watch my stuff while I went to blow my nose. When I sat back down, she said, "You could be a poster child for knee surgery. There is absolutely no hitch in your giddy up!" (Translation: no limping.) I smiled and told her that I was glad to hear her say that and my physical therapist would be glad too.

The other thing I remember about the meeting was getting a five pound star sticker. I love the stickers. I wish I got them more frequently, but that's up to me. There were several people that earned five pound stickers on Saturday and Bob asked each one of us what we were doing to drop those five pounds. I said, "You gotta keep on keepin' on. We've already paid the money, so we might as well get our money's worth and follow the plan." Lots of nodding of heads in agreement with my statement. Write down what you eat, watch your portions, get in a little physical activity, keep a positive outlook. Sometimes the scale is down, sometimes it's up, but it's always all about you and the effort you made, or didn't make.

Here is something that I remember Bob saying: the number on the scale does not define who you are. Your weight does not define whether you are a good, kind person. It doesn't determine how intelligent, witty and sassy you are. The only person who knows the number is you and whoever you choose to tell. There is more to a person than the number on the scale. Bob is all about giving pep talks that make you feel good about yourself. I like that about him.

I have to tell you that on Monday and Tuesday when I traveled and worked in Tucson, I didn't follow the plan. It's tough to do when you're traveling, but lots of people do it. I feel like I mostly kept myself in order today. Tomorrow is another day to take care of myself and make good choices.

I think I'll start taking care of myself by getting ready for bed!

#1856 Saturday with Sandy: out and about with pictures

Today I had many things on my to do list. There were two things that were musts and the rest were nice to do items.

I set my alarm for early wake-up because I was planning to go to spin class at 7AM. The thing is that the Jazz game last night (that I watched on TV), finished after 11:00 and haven't been sleeping great (that cough!) so I took a sleeping aid which totally knocked me out in a good way. When my alarm went off, I couldn't drag myself out of bed, so I changed my plan. I decided to walk to WW and have T pick me up since I had an appointment later that I wouldn't get to in time if I walked home.

It was a beautiful morning.

And I felt good about the walk.

No, I am not setting any speed records with an average pace/mile of just under 21 minutes, it is very nice to be able to walk and not have any pain. Cutting down my time a little will come, but that's not as important to me as actually getting out and doing it.

WW was my first must-do of the day. It was a good meeting. I was down a couple of lbs and got a 5 pound star! I've lost just over 30 lbs since I started. It has been slow going, but hopefully those pounds are off for good.

T came to pick me up and we went over to Starbucks. The drive-thru line was very long, so we went inside to order. There was quite a wait in there, too. I guess everyone wanted a bit of caffeine this morning. Fortunately, we had our toys so we were entertained.

We also chatted. It was a pleasant to spend ten minutes or so with my son. I don't see him very much because at 19, he prefers to hang out with his friends. I'm always good for a white chocolate mocha frappacino, though.

My second must-do of the day was an appointment was with my long-time hair stylist, Lanna. It had been a couple of months and I needed a cut.

Not too different but it feels good.

Now that my must-do appointments were complete, I was ready to choose some fun things to do. Lovely Paul had told me about a bakery in the Sugarhouse neighborhood and I decided that today was the day to find the bakery and test it's goods. The bakery, Tulie, has a couple of locations and I chose the one on 15th and 15th. A couple of things: first, it is insanely easy to get around SLC because of the grid system. Second, Sugarhouse is a lovely area. The homes are mostly beautiful and the streets have lots of trees and it is very different from where I live out in the 'burbs. I parked my car up on 16th South and walked down a block to the bakery.

It was around 12:30 when I got there, so they were out of some things, like chocolate croissants and ham & cheese croissants. Maybe next time. I got a salted caramel bar.

I can assure you this was probably about 1,000 points on the WW scale. The bottom layer was a shortbread cookie, topped with rich, creamy, buttery caramel and topped with dark chocolate ganache sprinkled with sea salt. Was it worth it? YES. Yes it was.

My next stop was Red Butte Garden. I did my first bloom recording of the season today in the Children's Garden. I ran into a fellow volunteer bloom recorder, a lady called Lori, and we walked around together for half an hour or so looking for blooms and comparing techniques. I am glad there is at least one other bloom recorder in the Children's Garden because I know I missed a lot last year, but Lori assured me that she felt the same way. It's just her second season also. As I walked around the garden I saw a few other people recording blooms in other areas. I don't think I ever saw any other recorders last year.

Another thing that made me feel good was that I recognized and remembered some of the plants and shrubs and trees and I was a lot more confident about deciding whether they were blooming or not. Sometimes it's hard to tell with a tree. There's not always a flower to look at. But if you touch it lightly and pollen blows off, it's in bloom. That works for fir trees especially.

After recording the blooms, I had to walk around the garden because why wouldn't I? It's Earth Day and I love the garden. My very most favorite spot is the waterfall. I take a pic of it every time I'm there.

The waterfall was really flowing today and the ponds looked pretty full. The spring run-off is happening!

I wish you could scratch and sniff the photo of this viburnum. This flowering bush has the most beautiful smell, maybe even better than a lilac which is something I never thought I would say. It has almost a spicy vanilla scent to me. The viburnums are blooming all over the garden. I smelled them all.

After the garden walk, I decided it was time to come home. MT was here watching TV. T was in his room with a couple of friends getting ready to go to a concert. He is seeing Snoop Dogg, Flatbush Zombies, Wiz Kalifa and Cypress Hill at USANA Amphitheater. He was so excited. We got food from Atlantis Burger for everyone and off they went.

MT is still downstairs watching TV. I have been upstairs reading with the Giants/Rockies game on in the background. Soon I will turn on one of my favorite shows, Ghost Adventures, during which Lizzie and I will tweet with other fans of the show. It's fun.

It's been a fantastic day. I got in a lot of steps.

I didn't follow the WW plan today, but I didn't overeat either and I was pretty active. I feel good about the day. The only thing I regret is that I haven't drank as much water as I need to drink.

Hope your day was great, too!