Lately I have been thinking about all of the leaders/coaches that have come and gone since I joined Weight Watchers over 10 years ago. I can't even remember all of their names, like the little old lady who was the leader when I very first joined. She didn't know my name either. I knew hers at one point, but now I don't. I can't remember who replaced her; maybe it was Marla, a redheaded woman who loved Celtic dance music, like Lord of the Dance type stuff and would often play that music when she had us brainstorm different things. There was Alicia, the free spirit with multiple tattoos who is the first person I ever knew with celiac disease. I'd never heard of gluten before she talked about it. Then there was Gina, who I absolutely loved and still do to this day. Sometimes I hear from her on the WW app and I'm thrilled that she remembers me at all. There have been several short-term substitutes and now there is Lana who I completely love and admire. She makes me feel good about myself and calls me her friend. She's lovely.
I was thinking today that I've been going to WW for a long time, with a break in there for several months, maybe a year (?). One of the reasons I stopped going was that MT had just left his job and money was tight and I was uncomfortable spending the money on WW when I thought I could do it myself. I'd been successful at it. I knew/know what it takes to get the weight off. Plus that was at the time when there was a leader I didn't especially care for or about. She was not inspiring and I don't think she even knew my name.
Long story short, I did not fare well on my own, even with all of my knowledge and experience, and I gained back nearly all of the weight. I joined back up and got a grip before I was right back where I started. I have lost weight and kept it off over the years, but I want to do more losing. In the past few months I have been gaining weight which is just bothersome and annoying and makes me feel like a failure, even though I am doing it to myself. I understand that I will always battle my weight. I have actually had the thought that maybe my body just wants to be here, at the weight it is, but I'm not satisfied with this weight. However, I have a sweet tooth and lack the willpower I had ten years ago, apparently.
Today I found myself thinking again about quitting WW. Not because of the money, or the people or the leader, but because I feel like I am throwing the money away with no end in sight. Weight loss is such a mental game. I see food pics that my fellow members post and I think, "Sheesh! I don't want to eat that!" I hear some of them talk about how much exercise they do and I think, "Holy crap! I don't want to work that hard!"
I'm just feeling extra fluffy right now.
I went to a Zumba class tonight and I felt like my shirt was too tight. The shirt was fine, but I felt uncomfortable, all jiggly and left-footed. More money thoughts about the gym: I only have to go five times a month for the membership to pay for itself, but I have struggled with that commitment. I think mostly because it is summer and I have Garden hours to get and work is busy. I do like the classes at the gym though. There are a bunch of new instructors that are good and whose classes I've enjoyed when I make the time to go.
It feels like every day is a re-commitment to myself and my overall wellness. I need WW and I need the gym and I need positive people who are supportive. I have all of those things. I only need to believe that I can do it (again).
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