#745 going through with it

Guess what? My knee is feeling better. I really want to believe that, but then I'll walk for a little and I'll feel that familiar pain. Or I'll sit at my desk for awhile and when I stand up, my knee will be all crickly-sounding  and I'll have to grab on to the side of my desk for support and hobble a few steps before it straightens out as much as it can. Or I'll remember how bad I was hurting on Saturday after walking around a little at Target with T. I wanted to throw up, it hurt so much. I nearly cried right there in the store. It was horrible.

I haven't been to the gym at all this week because I don't even want to deal with the aftermath of pain. And just sitting here at my computer, I feel a dull, throbbing ache coming from my right knee. I'm no doctor, but I'm pretty sure that's not normal. Does your knee ache and throb when you are just sitting still? MT says that his knees don't do that.

Here's the weird thing about arthritis: My knee is always slightly bent because I can no longer get it straightened out flat. However, I also cannot bend it all the way back. Annoying.

Today a nurse from my insurance company called me to find out if I had any questions about the surgery or anything. I told her I had been to the pre-surgery class at the hospital and we talked about some of the things I learned in there. We basically covered the same information, but it was nice that she called.

Another thing I did today was contact our HR department to find out if there was some kind of form I needed to complete for the short-term disability. (There is.) I'll take care of that tomorrow.

I feel bad about leaving work at the height of our season. The staff is already plenty busy and I feel terrible that they have to cover for me. It has been suggested by someone in a higher position than me that I postpone the surgery for a couple of months, and this person has said those words more than once. It hurts my feelings when I hear this person suggest that I postpone the surgery. This is the same person who was very supportive of me having the surgery, but I guess maybe only when it's convenient for the company. No, that's not fair. I know this person wants me to get better and has my best interests at heart. I don't think this person thought that the surgeon would schedule it so soon. I guess I could have waited; I guess I could wait.

I'm not going to, though. It's taken me a long time to come to this decision and I just need to do it. If I put it off now, who knows if I will be able to psych myself up enough to go through the mental preparation again?  That's what I've been doing for the past couple of weeks - getting my head right about all this.

I'm trying not to have expectations about the pain that will be involved with the post-surgery time and the physical therapy time. I think that over the years, my pain tolerance level has become pretty high, but it has taken a toll on me mentally and physically.

The other day one of the guys at work was standing behind me and he put his hands on my shoulders to give me a gentle shoulder rub. I'm not lying when I tell you that it hurt me when he did that. He even commented, "My God! Your shoulders are really tight. You need to relax!" Then he proceeded to push down on my shoulders and it felt like he was digging his fingers into my shoulders. I felt myself holding my breath and my eyes were watering as I asked him to stop. It was awful. Maybe I should get a massage on Saturday or Sunday just to try to relax a little. Just thinking about it and feeling the tension in my shoulders right now is making my eyes water. I'm such a baby. :(

Anyway...I guess I just needed to vent a little tonight. Any thoughts to add?