The past 48 hours have been so up and down for me that I am having a hard time finding my balance. I go from crying to smiling to crying to drinking and the worry cycle is never-ending. It feels like I am right on the edge of something painful and scary, then there are a few moments of beauty and joy that pull me back from the brink.
First the light and fluffy. Last night was the annual Red Butte Garden volunteer reception. I am a proud, happy, willing volunteer at the Garden. This year I volunteered just over 130 hours of my time in three areas: garden guide, wedding volunteer and bloom recording. I have met some fantastically wonderful people and I always feel happy and fulfilled after a volunteer shift. In many ways, Red Butte Garden is a sanctuary for me where I can put the crappy parts of life away for an hour or so and focus on the beauty of the garden, the people I come in contact with there and just getting out of my head. It is excellent therapy.
The reception was held at the Utah Museum of Fine Arts on the University of Utah campus. I had never been to the museum and it is a lovely space. MT and I wandered through a few of the galleries and I think we could easily spend a couple of hours there looking at the art. I bet we go back there early next year. It seems like it would be a good place to go on a cold February afternoon. The reception itself is pretty mellow. The volunteer coordinator says nice things. People who have volunteered for three, five, ten and fifteen years get recognized for their service. There's an open beer and wine bar and a nice appetizer buffet. It's fun to see a few of the people I worked with over the season and to wish them merry Christmas and tell them that I look forward to seeing them in the spring.
Tonight MT and I went to dinner with my peer group from work. For the past few years we have been lucky enough to go to Ruth's Chris Steakhouse in downtown SLC with these fun people. My work is fine and interesting but it's the people I work with that make going to work worth it. I count them among my good friends that I trust and that I like to hang out with. Enjoying a really nice meal with them in December is one of my favorite things. It is a leisurely meal with cocktails and appetizers and plates of side dishes and delicious steak and plenty of chatting and laughter and camaraderie. I look forward to it and I haven't ever been disappointed. Tonight was no different. Even though I felt distracted and preoccupied, I still had a nice time and enjoyed every bite of that rib eye.
Now for the heavy. My son is in trouble. He was caught with some pills and some other stuff in September of last year. He wasn't arrested, but six months after the incident, he was summoned to appear in court. He was put on probation for 18 months during which he has to give a urine sample every week. He attends drug counseling sessions three times a week and meets with his probation officer every month. He has missed some counseling sessions and has had dirty tests in the six months or so that he has been on probation. Yesterday he was back in court with and Order to Show Cause, which basically means that he has to explain why the hell he is dirty and why he has missed counseling. The prosecutor wanted to give him jail time; T countered with offering to go to in-patient rehab. The prosecutor agreed. He got a continuance until mid-January by which time he has to be at least scheduled for rehab.
There is nothing easy or just about either of these options. T isn't a drug dealer or a hard-core drug addict. He's not a criminal. He's a kid who likes to party makes some dumb choices. I have beat myself up mentally for what he has chosen to do and I have also told myself that this is not about me and that his choices are his own. I'd do just about anything to help him get through this, but I want him to want to get through it and he doesn't seem to be very interested in doing the things that have to be done to successfully complete the probation. It's frustrating.
As I sat there in the courtroom yesterday and watched people in county jail jumpsuits, hands cuffed and ankles shackled as they made their way to stand before the judge, I thought, "I don't belong here. My son doesn't belong here." The State of Utah thinks he does, though, so I am there to support him and to let him know that I love him even though I really don't like he has done to cause this all to be happening.
I'm embarrassed. I'm heartbroken. I'm angry. I'm losing sleep. I'm anxious and a little depressed.
But that wasn't all that yesterday had in store for me. My dad is back in the hospital. He is currently in Intensive Care breathing through a tube. His blood pressure is very low. He has at least one infection. He is critically ill with a number of ailments. Every other time he has been in the hospital he has pulled through and I hope that it will be the same this time, but somehow it feels different. It's just a gut feeling I have. Of course I am not there and I don't know everything that is happening. My sister and my mom are there and they have been great about keeping me updated on the situation. Tomorrow will be a key day because the doctors will be giving Dad dialysis in the ICU and how his body reacts to the dialysis will tell us how/if he will recover.
I'm scared. I'm sad. I'm not ready for any of this.
2 comments:
love you, sister
Oh my God so much to deal with at the same time for you. I didn't realize how bad it was with Tristan. Your Mom hasn't told me much more than he had troubles. I can't believe he made those choices. In my memory he's the cutest little boy that met me at Long Beach airport with a great smile and "Hi aunt Mia" the first time I met you. He has been so very clever and hardworking during his school and high school. But when they come in bad company it's hard. I have experience of that too as you may know. My youngest also came in bad company and tried some things that you shouldn't try. (My other two boys have never tried any) But it became so bad that he ended up in mental acute care in hospital with a psychosis. He stayed, the first time, for 3 months. So when some people seem to be able to take a lot of bad things others can't take anything. I suppose it has to do with your body type or something. Anyway he's now totally sober since 6 years and haven't touched the stuff nor any alcohol but he still suffers from the consequences and has to medicate the rest of his life. Maybe if you could tell T about this it might be something that he would reflect on.
Take care all of you! I think of you, your father in ICU, your Mom and sis.
Love you <3
Aunt Mia
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