#1985 a new reality

Oh man...where do I start? The past couple of weeks have been probably the most heart-wrenching of my life, ending with tremendous sadness.

I think I have written before of my dad's health problems. He was admitted to Intensive Care at the hospital on December 7. He got out of ICU just on the 18th, but was still in the hospital because of extremely low blood pressure and sepsis (blood poisoning). On December 21, he made the decision that he wanted to come home for Christmas, forgoing further dialysis treatments and other medical care, except for the hospice care that would ease his way out of this life.

He came home on Friday the 22nd. My mom and sister were with him. I got here early Saturday afternoon. MT and T drove down and got here late on Saturday night. Dad's brother and sisters came over on Christmas Eve, like we usually do. Christmas was just the six of us, very peaceful and nice. My aunts and uncles came over about every other day to hang out with Dad. Lizzie, Mom and I did everything we could to make sure Dad was comfortable and got what he wanted. T left on the 30th; MT left on the 31st, then it was just the four of us, my first family.

Dad was always a goal setter. I think he set mini-goals for himself: make it through Christmas Eve. Done. Make it through Christmas. Done. Say good-bye to T and then MT. Done. Make it through New Year's Eve and drink a glass of cava with us. Done.

On New Year's Day, he woke up telling us that he was having some pain in his chest. We gave him some medicine (morphine prescribed by hospice) to keep him comfortable. Lizzie and I helped him get to the family room where we held hands and listened to old-timey gospel music that Dad liked. He had some food, but nothing compared to previous days. After that he dozed in his chair. In the evening, we got him to his bed (with the help of paramedics - a long, terrible story).

The next day he slept in his bed all day, occasionally waking up for us to help him change positions or to take some more medicine. Our only goal that day was to keep him comfortable, At that point he had missed five dialysis treatments.  The toxins were building up in his body, causing his feet, legs and hands to swell. He was finally released from his pains on Wednesday morning.

I know that Dad had a wonderful Christmas and was happy to be with his close family at the end. For me, caring for him and watching his decline over the past couple of weeks was certainly the most difficult thing I have ever had to do, but I also know that I wouldn't have had it any other way. I was glad to be able to help him and to be here with my mom and sister.

These past couple of days Mom, Lizzie and I have been trying to adjust to this new world that our husband/father isn't in. My mom and dad were married 52 years. My mom has never lived on her own. She moved from her parent's house into her husband's house. Lizzie and I have always been close to our parents. Now our dad isn't here anymore.

We break into tears at random times. Sometimes a kind word received on Facebook will trigger a crying jag. Sometimes just catching myself listening for him to call to us and realizing he won't be calling tears me up. Again, I'm glad that I am here with Mom and Lizzie so we can get through these early days together.

I'll be headed back home to Utah on Sunday. I have mixed feelings about it, but I suppose that we have to get on with things, right? Dad didn't want to a funeral service or a memorial service. I imagine that at some time we will spread his ashes, but we will figure that out later.

Rest in peace Dad. I miss you.