#2520 three things: how I have changed in a year

 

I know you know that it was one year ago today, March 11, that the World Health Organization declared that the coronavirus was a global pandemic. I remember the day pretty vividly because it was the first (and only) time that I met with my therapist in person. That night I was settled on my couch to watch the Jazz play the Oklahoma City Thunder. The players were warming up on the court, then suddenly they were ushered off the floor and it was announced that the game was cancelled. Shortly after that, one of the Jazz’s All-Star players became the first person in the NBA to test positive for The Virus. The NBA cancelled the season later that night. After that, lots of stuff happened really fast. The following Monday, it was decided that we would work exclusively from home. Businesses shut down, planes stopped flying, and we all stayed home and wore masks if we had to go somewhere. Toilet paper was scarce. Disinfectant wipes were nearly impossible to find. Grocery store shelves were empty.  Months went by. Goods and services came back, but with limits. Take out was the thing as was streaming movies instead of eating at a restaurant or going to the movies. 

Everyone has been affected by this pandemic. What has changed for or about you during the past year? I thought about this question today and here are three ways I think I am different.

NOTE: Heavy shit ahead. Read at your own peril!

1. Therapy. As I talked about above, I started talking to a therapist on March 11. I feel fortunate that I was able to find this woman and that she was able to take me on as a client. Over the past year, I have felt all the feelings, like I’m sure everyone has. Talking to my therapist helped me process those feelings and understand how to manage them. I suffer from depression and anxiety and my therapist has given me tools, like meditation and gratitude, to deal with those disorders. I am glad to say that after a year of therapy, I do feel better than I felt a year ago. Last year on March 11, I either wanted to cry or scream; I was either sad or angry, and there wasn’t a lot of joy. There are still plenty of times when I feel sad or angry, but I think I am better able to get myself  to equanimity and be able to stay there.

2. Work. My job, the scope of my work, changed over the summer. It was abrupt for me, unexpected and unwelcome. Again, therapy really helped to process my emotions about the changes. I felt that my job was important and that I had purpose and that I was doing well. It turns out that I wasn’t as good as I thought I was. I was humbled. I am humbled. Now I am navigating my new job status and tasks. I admit that my enthusiasm and fervor isn’t what it was at the peak of my career, but I’m still glad to work there. 

3. Changes. I drink herbal tea now. At Starbucks, there are several coffee-based drinks that I like. At the start of the pandemic, I had one old, sick dog. Now I have two young, healthy, and strong dogs. The way work is done has changed. We save files electronically more now. I don’t print stuff as much anymore; I’ve learned to look at reports on the screen. I’ve become adept at sizing panels on the laptop to work on two modules at the same time - so much different from having two big screens at the office! Last year, I didn’t have any volunteer hours at the Garden, of course, but I came to the realization that I don’t want to have much over 100 hours of volunteer time. Hopefully I can get back to volunteering there this year, and I will limit the time I spend there.  Overall, I feel like I have lost a vibrancy in myself. I feel very blah pretty much all the time. I look forward to recovering my joie de vivre. 

This post took me a long time to write. It’s a bit of  a soul search, isn’t it? Maybe I’m over sharing, but only a few people read this anyway, so what the hell?